Words of an Ordinary BBBC HIPTAT

2011-11-29T08:05:00.001-08:00

I just wrote a post full of discreet flaming. But im not going to post that. Because I am not that kind of person. Because ive summed up how i felt.

'I hate how you make me feel so insecure.'

You have no idea how unhappy you make me sometimes. You think it's really a one way thing, but while i try not to feel this way, the feeling can be mutual.

I hate how you say you hate being judged. Everybody hates being judged. But you have to stop giving out judgements, seriously. Constructive criticism.

2011-11-20T08:08:00.000-08:00

I keep re-writing and re-writing this post, because i know the general outline of it. But nothing I write is the way I intend it to sound.

So i'm going to start again, this is my third time trying.

First, the feeling of being second best. Not really BEING second best. But feeling that way. It's like feeling everyone prefers someone else over you and there's no way you can be anyone's favourite. It's not like wanting a boyfriend or anything, it is really to be ANYONE's priority at this moment. Because from the way I see it,, there's no one that would choose me if a given another choice. And that just leaves you insecure in the weirdest ways.

Insecurity.

There's another big deal. I never know why this came to be an issue for me. It all started in TJ, and I want to blame one person, and I want to blame this person so bad but I know I can't. Because there will always be people who undermine you and make you feel like your opinions DONT MATTER and that the person's opinion is always better. But you see, it's not her fault, but it's mine for LOSING confidence everytime she undermines me. EVERY single time her opinions sometimes rash and not fully thought out gets an agreement of someone, JUST ONE PERSON, over mine, I will lose faith in my idea.

And for this, I may always bear a grudge because it makes me HATE who I have become. I have become this push-over that everyone thinks won't stand up for anything. And this is because I don't have faith in my ideas, so why would people.

And i know, i know, that i HAVE generated good ideas. But why won't I stand up for them.

It's because of all this people tearing me down. But I cannot blame them for attacking, I blame myself for being defenseless. For not having enough confidence to shield myself from these words of discouragement.

And then that is where I gave birth to the mission of being liked by everyone over my own happiness.

And this would be okay and all, if it didnt mean thinking that every single one of them is better than me. And that it's not worth it to fight what i stand for.

So, no, starting tomorrow, YOU will not push me around. I cannot do this. No one should push me around. And I don't deserve it and now I know it, because the one person who tore me down the most tells me to stand up for myself. If he, who saw so much flaw in me, believes I still have something to stand up for, then it really must be so :)

And to this person, I want to say that I love you so much :) You may not be perfect yourself, but you saw that I was not perfect but you told me that I deserved better. And for that, and for being the most protective person I know, I love you really.

-To be continued.

2011-11-20T05:52:00.000-08:00

Someone like you is a super sad song. On another note, I will be updating my blog later :) No one reads this but me, its makes me happy :)

2011-09-27T03:51:00.000-07:00

Just a breather from exam preparations. actually ive been taking a really long break. and these are just a few things i would like to say about exams.

1) they bring out the worse in people. people become self centered and calculative. you cant really blame them, because from young we have been mechanized to feel bad if we do badly. and really you cant change this. you do badly, you get scolded. you do badly you get accused of not working hard enough. and the list goes on, nothing good happens from doing badly, so people try their best not to do badly.

but to the extent of being irritating sometimes. oh well, its just the time of year again.

2) that awkwardness when you do well and someone didnt. OKAY, this has never really happened to me except on one or two occasions, BUT, i know the feeling. and it sucks.

3) comapring answers after the paper. the worse worse worse part of exams. SERIOUSLY. i hate hate hate this part of exams. i really just wanna cry sometimes.

4) AND now something ive been thinking of for a while. COMFORT mechanisms. oh this is the worst really. sometimes you put in the time and you put in the effort and you dont perform as well as you like to. some people who put in less time and less effort get the same mediocre results and they comfort themselves by saying 'Oh, i would probably have gotten higher than her if i had worked harder than her.' WELL, this makes me feel like shit honestly, but theres nothing i can do but accept the fact that it is so ):

5) results. the most heart wrenching part of exams.

but exams, like every other challenge brings great joy and comfort in knowing who truly cares for you :) and that, is really priceless :) those who spur you on and not COMPETE with you, well you know they really care and i couldnt ask for better friends.

oh and i whine a lot during exams to ): brings out the worse in me too i guess.

2011-09-18T06:03:00.000-07:00

Dear God,

I pray for strength for the next few days, not just for me, but for my friends as well. In fact, everyone through a hard time, ease their pain for them.

Alhamdulillah for all the things that I have been granted :) I believe that there is a reason for everything :)

Affected

2011-08-16T06:35:00.000-07:00

Affected.

That sums up everthing I feel now.
Affected by the small things, affected by the big things.
Affected by the inevitable, affected by the controllable.
Affected by the failures, affected by the glory.

But being affected, allowing my feelings to just sway with natural reaction, well, that's tiring. It's just really really tiring.

Judgements.

Passing them, and yet being on the receiving end. It's natural to judge, but when someone hates judgements, they should not pass them anywhere else but their own heads. It would save the world a lot of chaos.

Jealousy.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself. From the Sunscreen song. But the song does not address those who are always behind.

Calmness.

Five seconds of calmness is hard to come by.

Hypocrites.

Just not worth the time and effort. And especially, not worth the emotion. But it's natural to feel, so be sad, be angry for five minutes, than remember, this is still your life. We were put on this earth to love and care for another, the existence of hate is extremely redundant.

Okay, weird post with words in it, but these just sum up everything. Without relation to specific examples, this is genuinely what i'm experiencing, and i'm getting tired. More and more tired of worrying and caring about what other people think. I'm tired of getting panic attacks thinking about exams.

2011-07-16T09:35:00.001-07:00

a few things have been eating my brain up. okay, thats just a phrase that means these are the things that i have been thinking about.

1) Results: I'm settling. im not trying and im not achieveing anything. HOW long will i be able to comfort myself with the words 'You're not trying your hardest, and for average effort, average results are enough.' THIS is essentially whats wrong with me. I may put in the time, but during that time, if minimal work was achieved, then i dont see the use. so its time to change, for real this time.

because as unaffected as i am about the results itself, these are the few things that do affect me:

1) Disappointing my parents - sad part is that they dont get irrationally furious, so i cant blame them for anything. they are being perfectly reasonable so i have no reason to be angry at them, and i cant help but feel that i keep disappointing them, ESP if we look into the fact that 1) nadh's in medicine and azri got into adm because of his freaking awesome talent. where do i fit in with all these successful people.

2) Disappointing my tutors, especially for chem and maths. when ms liew asked me what went wrong i couldnt help but just cry, they really tried to help me and i just threw it all away ): and as for maths, its a whole different story ): im not saying im okay with my physics and geog, but chem and maths were horrible ):

3) The embarassment - everyone i know is doing so well and then theres me ):

all this talk about results has motivated me to study. this is why blogging > facebook :)

2011-06-18T08:58:00.000-07:00

Who do you think you are, running round leaving scars ):

hahaha, listening to this now, it feels apt for some reason, i know who i would direct it to, but yeah, im not going to say ): and its not a dude, and it has nothing to do with what the song is actually talking about, but the tone and the feeling is the same i guess.

i realised i forgot how to blog, for some reason im typing frantically, like im scared im going to lose my thoughts or something. maybe its that or maybe its just that recently ive been panicky in general. i get panic attacks thinking about:

1) JCTs
2) My fitness - after malaysia, its going down like nobodys buisness, and ive been eating nonstop.
3) Faith - in need of recharging i guess.

okay and there's this other thing that bugs me. its my insecurity around people. not all people, just some people. its like i never know whether im wanted there or not. the only people who i can feel comfortable like fully fully comfortable, would be my family, cousins and some friends.

haha, im going to emphasize on the cousins bit, because seriously, i have no words to describe how awesome they are. while i was in KL, it was seriously carefree. EVEN after giving riqa one of the biggest, MOST WTTY insult ever, she can still laugh about it :) HAHA, it was mean, but it was funny and i love her and everyone for that.

what i would do to be that secure all the time :) but too bad, life goes on.

next bit, you know how i always say im aimless and i havent found my interest yet. well, i think ive always been interested in something but ive never really realised it until i was motivated to read a book on it that other people may deem dry. and here i am LOOKING forward to the end of jcts so i can read that book.

but i dont know how this interest might translate into a career path. its the kind of thing where i would try to squeeze into a conversation with ayah to see what he thinks.

speaking of which, its fathers day tomorrow and theres a million of things i would like to say to ayah. haha despite his lameness, he is really the best father anyone could ask for. the things he has done for me are like countless, whether its fetching me or sending me or giving me advice, he is just always there.

so yeah, i count my blessings, syukur alhamdulillah i have a father like ayah :)

2011-05-17T08:50:00.000-07:00

feeling a bit down now ):

things that are getting me down now:

1) PW, i honestly think i am the most unsuited in my group to be the leader. everything is just so screwed up now, and mostly because of me. im not organizing things well. and i finally realised that meetings online dont work.

2) i just feel disorganized ): everything is everywhere, everything is half complete. and there are problems im just running away from ):

3) this is whats keeping me down the most. i dont understand how come a person i care about so much is doing something so stupid. okay, i feel its stupid. i respect him and love him, and this wont change, but right now im disappointed at what he's doing, and sad for why and how he's doing it. and right now, after missing him for quite sometime, he came back different. its like everything i missed about him wasnt there ): right now, he's so miserable and sad that i get miserable and sad just looking at him. and i wanna do something to help, but im not in the position anymore ):

okay, so i hope youre safe out there and know that i care :)

2011-05-14T15:06:00.000-07:00

doubt anyone reads this anymore, anyway, i was on the mrt (falling asleep) UNTIL it went to Iridescent by linkin park, and it was kinda cool, cause sometimes you just feel what they are singing, and i so totally did.

Do you feel cold and lost with desperation,
You build up hope, but failure's all you've known,
Remember all the sadness and frustration,
and let it go.

im going to be honest, the minute i thought about this, i thought about chemistry because its true. especially in last year's promo, i thought that i could finally finally pass chem, and in the end i failed so badly it was stupid.

it was so bad i didint even wanna take chem anymore, and i thought, what makes me think that if i couldnt do it last year, i could do it this year. then i realised i actually like chem, and im not gonna just drop it because of last year. ESPECIALLY last year where i was so caught up in stupidity.

and this year, i see myself SOMEWHAT falling into the same trap, so im gonna stop myself here (point of realization).

:)

but after i thought about chem (FOR quite long actually, paya lebar to city hall) i started to think about all my other subject, ALL were slipping. ESP MATHS, i am so not motivated to do anything for maths, seriously.

why am i like this? i can see ayah and mami leaning to blame oac for taking up too much of my time, but i KNOW its not true. because even when i have the time i slack. even when i have the energy i slack. theres just something wrong with me, seriously. what happened, i wouldnt know for sure.

anyway, im gna go off now ):

2011-05-08T18:18:00.000-07:00

shit, i just realised the less i blog the more disorganized i feel and usually after i blog there's this finality which means after this im gna go study (unlike facebook, suuucks)

so blog i love you :)

okay, yesterday my parents were talking about possible careers i could go for. and i dont know, i realise there's this tendency for me to romanticize ideas and interests that i have and it turns out im not really interested in that area, it would just be really cool if i were. do you geddit, haha, its hard to put into words.

like it would be really cool if i could be an engineer. like im attracted to the idea of me being an engineer but im not really interested in engineering.

so i havent really found my interests yet (except for granite landforms, so freaking cool)

so when i think about my future i have no one idea pinned down for me. i have a million and one, but none of them really really have my interest because at this point i dont even know what im interested in.

all i know is that i wanna live in a house with a nice garden (like the house behind our house). i want it to be spacious with LIMITED furniture (unlike our house) and i wanna have a basketball hoop somewhere (it was damn fun when we had it at our house). and theres a million and one more things i want but it would be embarassing to put here cause no one would expect it from me :)

--

NEXT POINT: i was looking through pictures from our childhood. and i realised we (relatives and myself) were genuinely genuinely happy. like even though we look downright retarded in some, we were all smiling non-stop. I LOVE IT, and it makes me sad that i may never be that happy and carefree again, why did we have to grow up.

2011-05-01T06:45:00.000-07:00

TWO weeks since i last posted, thats a lot. never thought i would neglect blogging for facebook. there's still this something about writing down everything that seems to appeal to me :) haha, its not that i like to talk about myself, its more of sitting down and thinking over your life. so theres been a few things on my mind.actually more than a few, i mean its been two weeks, a lot can happen in two weeks.

so im starting with:

1) OAC. people think its hell, and sometimes it really feels like it. and then they go all 'why you join?' and its a really long story, so im jsut gonna write it all out.

in sec one and two i was in an awesome cca, where EVEN though it was hell-ish, all of us stuck around. and we did it because of each other. when we all joked about quitting it wasnt just one person quitting, when we talked about quitting, we talked about quitting together, as a team. even though it never happened, that was how close we all were. and im not sure if the feeling's mutual throughout, but i swear, i loved my team. and when there are times i regret coming to TA, most of it would be because of the secure, safe group of friends i have there and doing something that was FREAKING COOL. im not gonna lie, i kinda sucked BIG TIME at it, but theres still no feeling like throwing :) and musle aches.

basically it was a huge part of my life. the cca was four times a week, i see/talk to the people almost the whole day, so obviously when something that big was taken away from me, i would feel the significance. it was sort of like this empty space (NOT EMO). so i hated this unfufillingness (and i was becoming SUPER unfit)

so after much procrastination, i joined oac, in HOPE that the same feeling would come back. and right now, its kinda early to tell, but im definitely feeling better :)

2) PW. PW really sucks, to be honest, i didnt know what to expect despite the seniors warning us non-stop how sucky it would be. i always thought it wouldnt be that bad. GUESS WHAT, its worse ):

3) MCS Camp, theres something about sleeping in school that is just really nice. its really different from being in school in the morning. at 1am the school is super peaceful and theres jsut this serenity you cant help but feel. even if yorue in a big group of people when youre on the track, you look up in the sky, and you CAN ACTUALLY SEE STARS, you just cant help but feel this overwhelming sense of peace come over you.

aside from that, it was good company. haha, got to know some of the j1 mcs people more :)

4) LAST POINT, i feel really disorganized and a bit detached lately. so as usual i go through my archives and i just cant help but notice when i started changing. and only i would know what happened at that point of time. and im quite disappointed in myself and i wonder if i will ever change back ):

2011-04-12T08:51:00.000-07:00

sometimes i dont know how to start my blogposts, and i realise it actually doesnt matter. hahahahaha.

okay firstly, i had a nice dream a few months back. it involved me, the people i truly truly loved, a white house on a hill. and you have no idea what i would do to make that reality. the peace i felt was just amazing :)

--

on another note, im starting to think im genuinely dense ): and it doesnt help that i get de-motivated so easily like once i cant do a question it just throws off my mood. i want to be better, but nothing is helping, NOTHING. and theres morning training tmrw, usually im like indifferent, but i feel really scared now.

Desperado

2011-04-11T11:37:00.000-07:00

I think that these past few days have been pretty awesome, and just now things became kazillion times better. IT WAS SO SMALL, yet it made my day :) I LOVE READING TOO MUCH INTO THINGS for now. Because later i'll find out it isnt true and emo nemo, but for now i'm just :DDD

THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO WISHED ME BY THE WAY. YOU ALL MAKE ME FEEL SO LOVED :)

2011-04-07T11:52:00.000-07:00

It's almost 3, i just spent an unreasonable amount of time on one question ):

anyway, this week was just a whole lot of ups and downs:

DOWNs:

my run on wednesday could not be any shittier wth. seriously, i have never been this disappointed in myself, okay, wrong, ive been this disappointed in myself before. i dont know what came over me ):

i freaking rambled for my gp essay. sometimes after an essay you just know what you did wrong, and this time i just knew the minute i started writing that it was shit.

im not behind in tutorials, but im leaving a lot of blanks D: like not even one or two, like the whole of mcq that kind ):

im starting to feel insecure again ):

im being very affected by small things.

i keep eating a whole hell-lot.

today after pe there was a chance of playing softball, but they kept the equipment really early ):

MY PI, was shit.

UPs:

I GOT OVER THE FREAKING WALL :):):)

SIMPLE PLAN MAKES CLASSES FUN :):):) SERIOUSLY, OMG, ive never had so much fun in maths before. and i was still paying attention. hahahahahah. seriously, eating pringles, KL calculator and much much more.

so yeah, it seems like its not balanced, but im fine with it :)

--

it's 8 april. i miss him, really really really bad. and there's something about this year that makes it worse, like he wouldnt be proud of me. but is it weird, that i think he still cares, like even if he is disappointed, he still wants the best for me.

maybe its my imagination, but wouldnt it be awesome if it werent :)

sometimes you need these little things i guess. to constantly keep you going.

--

okay, that aside, i really dont understand some things. this is not the first time ):

--

on a lighter note, i drank coffee for the first time today, and guess what, i dont like it. hahahaha. i still cant get over the smell ):

2011-04-05T08:13:00.000-07:00

my birthday's coming up :) hahahaha, its kind of shameless to say that but it's okay cause

1) no one reads this
2) i think the way i hinted to everyone else was a million times more shameless than this pathetic statement. teeeheee, i really surprised myself with how shameless I am :)

ANYWAYS, so these are the things i really want for my birthday

1) world peace :)
2) self-discipline
3) guidance from God because i really have no clue what im doing
4) love from my loved ones
5) forgiveness from God

seems cheesy and cliche, but these are really the things i need right now ):

especially number 3, im feeling more grounded but now that i am, its causing me to evaluate my life. before this it was just airy fairy with no worries, now i actually have to think things through to move forward and its hard. what is really important?

for me especially ): and some things jsut dont help the situation ):

today was aeroplane-less ):

2011-03-31T11:30:00.000-07:00

It's one of those nights where everything bad, all the negative feelings, EVERYTHING just starts to gush in. i dont know if its the loneliness of the night or knowing that even if it werent night time there's no one anymore. so here it goes, i just need to let it out.

1) Biasedness, OPEN biasedness, people acting annoyed and everything is seriously irritating the crap out of me. and the worse part is, i care so much more. and THE worst part is, i still do. and i dont think this person would ever care, so whatever, seriously.

2) i have a limit, and today, i reached it. okay, people can go on and on and on and never stop, but one day, i will seriously flip and it would make today's reaction seem like nothing, because despite everything, knowing everyone, it will never stop.

3) Seriously, youve done worse, so this sorta gets me more annoyed.

4) i am sad for someone, i am sad that you are sad. but you just did something i would never approve of ): i know you, and i know youre sad when i see it. deny it all you want, but even if sadness is not the feeling, i think its uneasiness. whatever youre feeling sad/uneasy about, i wish i could tell you that you can talk to me, but it would be beyond weird.

5) i seriously miss talking to you ): but i know its not mutual. and even if it was, theres someone else to fill that weird void for you, im practically telling my problems to a wall.

6) sometimes i feel that the world doesnt wanna listen to my problems, sometimes (most of the times) i feel like im burdening the other person with my problems. but thats just a vibe i get, and i will stop the minute i get the vibe, so i need reassurance. and for some reason the people i count on for reassurance cant give me this anymore.

7) because im a bad choice and apparently deserve to be shot, that's fine with me. but once in a while, it would be nice not to you know?

and all i need/want right now is to be somebody, ANYBODY's priority. i know its selfish, i know its lame, i know im insecure.

BUT really, why do you think that's so?

(PS, if you think its about you, dont. just dont. if you think its about anybody, then youre judgemental. because sometimes, you think you know and you form this impression of that person in your head, and its a bad one it would be my fault. so save that person some benefit of the doubt, its probably not him/her anyway. no use having bad impressions for no reason seriously, thats like PARTLY why im freaking emo nemoing under a rock. AND its about different people in different situations, not just at home or outside)

i hate this i hate this i hate this.

2011-03-24T08:59:00.000-07:00

I've been biding time with the crows and sparrows,
While peacocks prance and strut across the stage.
If finding love is just a dance,
Proximity and chance,
You will excuse me if I skip the masqueraaade.

Oh god, after realising how awesome this stanza is, i fell back in love with the song. why why why? because i swear i know what he is talking about. i know what the whole song is talking about. talk about story of my life :)

okay maybe i think i know what the whole song is talking about. but this is really what makes awesome lyrics, something other people can relate to.

today was rather awesome, as in i felt accomplished cause i managed to sit myself down and do SOME work :) which is a huge accomplishment for me. then i started brainstorming for PI, which meant i had to on my laptop which meant i had to go on facebook which meant i had to go to youtube. and its a gross vicious cycle ):

BUT STILL hahahahahahaha :)

i wish i were better at making friends. and i wish i could make friends with everybody and not feel uncomfortable around guys (which is still true, even after 2 years in a mixed school). i think its cause ive seen how guys talk about other people when theyre together, WOW, they have no mercy i swear. LIKE SO KESIAN THE PERSON. and im constantly thinking about how to avoid this.

haha, but im fine with those i know quite well, like some of the TA guys. hahahahahaha.

IM HUNGREH. night :D

2011-03-23T09:56:00.000-07:00

i like how my life is a closed book :) like how people only know certain pages or chapters but they would never know the whole thing no matter how well they know me. but sometimes, you just need to tell people things. and sometimes it just comes out as this WAVE of telling that you just cant stop yourself.

but it feels nice to have it in the open, just hoping it doesnt go more open that this :)

so far life has been full of ambition, everytime i have an elaborate plan on how to stay on top of work. but it fails miserably. WHY am i like this, seriously ):

On the other hand the other day i couldnt sleep for no particular reason. So i told my dad, you know, that i couldnt sleep. And he actually remembered why i couldnt sleep the last time i couldnt sleep and asked me if it was the same reason. and i dont know, but the fact that he remembered just makes me feel loved.

haha, im blessed with lots of things, but sometimes, i cant help but feel lonely. but God has been kind to me, in so many ways. and i am beyond grateful :)

2011-03-21T09:59:00.000-07:00

OKAY, this may seem really random but it was triggered by a bunch of stuff. okay actually just one thing and i realise i use the word trigger a lot. hahahahaha. okay anyway, i just made a decision.

I WILL MARRY A JAPANESE MAN, teehee. all because of one boy. i saw this cute little boy at the playground today, hahaha, im not a paedophile, wait for it. he was so adorbale but you could tell that he was mixed because he was tanned, had curly hair, and some not very japanese features. but still overall, you could tell he was japanese.

ANYWAY, he was so sweet and adorable and was giggling non-stop. THEREFORE i want to marry a japanese man and have a baby like that LOL. AND OMG HE HAD THE CUTEST NAME EVVVVAR. LOL, wait for it, wait for it. TOSHI. hahaha. SO ADORABLE, I CANT STAND IT :) i will contribute the tan and curly hair the rest of the features will come from the japanese man. haha, awesome possum.

but actually it may be a lot of work, cause

1) Language barrier ):
2) I have to lose weight cause most japanese men are like skinny or small sized and i would feel so insecure and fat all the time if my husband is skinnier than me.
3) Japanese man doesnt want me ):

and there should be many many more. haha, its just too much work. FINE, i wont marry a japanese man ):

HAHA, okay that was just really random.

ASIDE from that, ive been very nostalgic lately. i miss my old life. not tkgs life (though that was fricking awesome), but like my childhood. hahahaha me and abang were reminscing times before merger of the older ones and riot squad. those were good times :) i just missed the old everything ):

2011-03-14T04:51:00.000-07:00

haha, today was a good day. felt like a pig though after coming back from school. all i did was sleep, piano, guitar, tv, sleep, eat. in that order. NO SHIT.

but school part was fun. seriously, wheres my self discipline.

i feel like waking up early tmrw to run, but now im FRICKING scared because of that STUPID incident which no one believed ):

IT HAPPENED OKAY, i know its hard for some of you (azri, hadi and rizuan) to believe that someone followed me, yeah of all people me, but it happened i swear. i used to think i have immunity cause im like not hot, BUT APPARENTLY THEYRE SO DESPERATE THEY FOLLOW ANYONE. and EVEN though people say its PARANOIA. its not, when they walk ahead of you and walk straight so you make a turn and the person actually walked back and made the turn also.

DAMNIT CREEPY. ruin my happy running feeling DAMN YOU.

even if i am being paranoid (WHICH IM TOTALLY NOT BECAUSE WHO DOES THAT D:), its really not my fault, i could have been kidnapped or killed or something. SO, i was just trying to be safe when i made the last turn and sprinted like nobody's buisness.

I NEEDZ BODYGUARD SLASH MORNING RUNNING PARTNER. it would be awesome if it could be hugh jackman :)

2011-03-13T09:06:00.001-07:00

):

okay, this was an awesome possum weekend, the kind of weekend where youre so high on fun, you dont remember anything. like all the jokes you were laughing at, you really cant remember.

so all was well,

till two seconds ago. haha, everyone stopped talking to me at that time, so i cant tell them what happened and just vent (not in an angry way).

ARGH, emo nemo now under a rock, seriously. imma sleep ):

2011-03-10T08:32:00.000-08:00

I love muhammad ali's confidence. SERIOUSLY, SERIOUSLY.

“If you even dream of beating me you'd better wake up and apologize.”

Awesome much, i wanna be this confident in something. oh sad face. i've been so hungry and tired lately. sad face again. but more work is being done than last week. (THE LEARNING CURVE IS STILL NOT STEEP, BUT STEEPER. cause anything is better than zero right, RIGHT).

im always super lame and high in the middle of the night, but no one is here to layan all this ):

2011-03-08T07:26:00.000-08:00

NO ONE READS THIS SO:

I AM SO FAT FAT FAT. SO FREAKING FAT FAT FAT. I WAS LOOKING THROUGH MY PICTURES AND I WAS LIKE ZOMGGGGG, so fat ):

i wanna be fit again. like softball fit ):

azri says this is why i cant get a boyfriend. BUT PLEASE, even if i lose weight and the only reason the guy likes me is because i am skinny i dont want him because what if my weight goes up again. and he'll be all grossed out ):

BUT I DONT LIKE FEELING FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT.

i love hugh jackman ):

2011-03-07T06:17:00.001-08:00

the school is so condusive when you're completely alone because everyone else left at ten :)

anyway, today was kind of chillax-ish. mainly because we only had chem practical. i think ms liew is always disappointed in me. i dont blame her ): i really need to catch up on chemistry. theres something about it which is like i know and yet i dont know.

ASIDE from that, i miss malay class. seriously. i miss all the nonsense, and the scheming. where our great plans of asking questions only worked like once, maximum twice. but the planning was REALLY hilarious. we had to plan a question whcih could last the whole lesson.

so now malay is all over, and i never really got around to accepting my grade. was i okay with it? yeah. haha, was i hoping for better, SURE, why not. i really thought i improved, but its okay, cause i maintained.

there's really no aim in this post, im just rambling.

LAST: LION KING IS STILL AWESOMEZXZ.

2011-03-06T05:21:00.000-08:00

i cannot stop thinking about the march holidays and the countless of impossible things that could happen.

ASIDE FROM THAT. WHATTHEBALLS, LIONKING THE MUSICAL IS SERIOUSLY KING KAMAEHAMAEHA AWESOME.

seriously, seriously, it was like some childhood dream. LION KING being my all time favourite movie (REFER TO PREVIOUS POST LIKE SOMEWHERE LAST YEAR), watching it on stage was just AMAZEBALLS. ESPECIALLY WHEN YOURE FAMILIAR WITH MORE THAN HALF THE SCRIPT.

and this is not the kind of thign where azri says i like every movie/production i go to. i actually dont, but think about, if someone insulted my movie, i'd be sad. BUT ANYWAY, LION KING was seriously beyond awesome. i dont know if it was nostalgia, or the heart of the whole production or the awesomeness of the actors, but something about it just TOUCHED ME. LOLLOL. not in the weird way, ahahahaha.

maybe watching all disney movies do this to me. BRINGS me back to awesome times, before everyone else was born. HAHA, kidding, a bit. LOL. anyway, it reminded me of the time we lived in KL. people think its impossible for me to remember. BUT i remember it super clearly.

we lived in villa flora, we had an awesome view from the balcony. i remember seeing a rainbow once. and then i only had one favourite toy. hahaha, it was this weird baby called Baby all Gone which drinks milk and eats things. haha, i pushed it around on this purple stroller thing. then then, i remember sitting in front of the tv watching baja hitam in the evening and watching and rewatching lady and the tramp.

and there was lion king. which was awesome.

BUT also, there was school. i cried everyday before school. i think on some days i didnt go to school cause i really didnt want to. and i used to not be able to sleep without holding someone's finger.

ALL this just sums up this seemingly IDEAL part of my childhood :)

and i miss it waaaaay too much. if we go to that building and enter the same house and go to the same balcony. i think i would cry. because everything about that place just SCREAMS a better, easier life.

why did we have to grow up ):

--

ASIDE from that, im super super super super super super disappointed ):

2011-03-05T02:14:00.001-08:00

What do i say when it's all over, sorry seems to be the hardest word.

Robbie Rosen is out. should have appreciated him more. OH WELL.

BUT ASIDE FROM THAT,

i wanna be better. i wanna be better. i wanna be better.

i wanna stop getting distracted at everything that moves around me.
i wanna think more with my head.
i wanna stop being such a pushover.
i wanna be fitter.
i wanna be smarter.
i wanna be nicer.
i wanna not be so rash.
i wanna be able to talk ________________.
i wanna stop drifting into my own thoughts when people are talking to me.

i wanna be AWESOME.

BUT ASIDE FROM THAT, hadi's back :) TEEHEE, missed him didnt know he had so much impact on my life until i went home and realised i had no one to sing to ):

2011-02-28T13:19:00.000-08:00

Today was fun, but productivity was minimal work-wise.

im thinking of resorting to coffee, but i've never drank any and sometimes (most of the times) i dont like the smell. it smells bitter. as in, it would smell as if it would taste bitter, you know?

you probably dont, i think im the only weirdo who can come up with crap like this.

anyway, it's 5:21 in the morning, im going to head off to school soon, which is like MEH, minus the fact that i have a SHITload of tutorials i need to do.

MEEEEEEEH, hate JC life.

2011-02-27T03:10:00.000-08:00

VOHDEKAY, life has been treating me fairly well, minus all the hw and shit. BUT, fairly well STILL.

OKOK, one thing at a time.

1) Waiting in the Weeds, damnit, i really love this song. LIKE SERIOUSLY SERIOUSLY. eagles have always been in my playlist for easy listening, because they're just so calm and awesome in their own way. BUT recently i have been searching for this song regardless of my mood. these past few days, i have literally looked for this song to listen to it before my playslit shuffles and goes to a random song.

and the thing is, i dont even know the song that well, like you can sing to the chorus and i dont find the need to sing with the rest of the song, i just wanna listen to it :) i cant remember feeling like this about a song. haha, actually i can, the last song was She's Always a Woman - Billy Joel (love him too)

im quite sure this will die down, but that only means that i would be even happier and pleasantly surprised when it comes on unintentionally :) like how when old mcfly songs or OLD simple plan songs or old good charlotte songs randomly play.

i dont know why im blogging about this, it's totally insignificant to anything. HAHA.

2) AMERICAN IDOLLLL. okay, i told myself i wouldnt follow it this season. but seriously, steven tyler. OMG _______ a duck, and see what hatches. HE IS HILARIOUS. andandand, there's scott mccreery. who is like super nice and has such a freaking awesome manly voice. so low, and just MANLEEHHHH.

and he's super nice. stupid HIJANAH lied to me, told me he got out. BUT, seriously this season is like enjoyable. and SO MANY TALENTED PEOPLE. azri's going to say i say this every year, but i honestly think this year has more variety. and WOW at the number of country song kind of people. im like ok-ok with country but recently with eagles and scott and josh turner, teehee, WOW.

3) OAC camp, haha this was fun, but im just constantly questioning my social skills. THEY REALLY SUCK I THINK. like i wanna make friends with everyone, but i think i find it hard. LOL. but it was really FUN and TIRING = FIRING. even though i left halfway cause of mami's birthday :) which i would talk about later. BUT, i just hope oac is FINALLY the right choice for me. things are looking good, with the help of quek, and i really really really hope this is what ive been looking for. and no more wasting time. i just gotta stick to it.

4) MAMI'S BIRTHDAY. my family is just too funny, i swear. we all can be mean and gang up against one another, but they're just freaking hilarious.

5) okay this is the part of my life that isnt going so well, i think im going to make it very clear: i am not taking sides :) you guys have been awesome and nice to me when things were hard, and im not going to throw it away. so yeah, TOO BAD. youre all awesome.

6) why am i so inconsequential? STUPID AZRI, using this stupid word now i cant get it out of my stupid brain. TSK.

7) are the A Level results really coming out this Friday? Isn't that fast?

OKAY, im done, this is all i have to say for now :)

And I've been waiting in the weeds
Waiting for my time to come around again and
Hope is floating on the breeze
Carrying my soul high up above the ground and
I've been keepin' to myself
Knowin' that the seasons are slowly changing
Even though you're with somebody else
He'll never love you like I do.

BAAAALLS, i really love this song.

2011-02-25T02:44:00.001-08:00

Omg, i just cringed at my blog post.

'Eagles sound way better life.'

WTSHIT. i must have been damn sleepy.

Eagles :)

2011-02-24T09:15:00.000-08:00

eagles sound waaaay better life. their harmonies are seriously MINDBLOWING.

and while i only knew like one album (TEEEHEE, their best one) it was still fun, now im trying to look for the songs i didnt know before, like Waiting in the Weeds. i had to type out the lyrics i actually remembered from the concert itself.

and and and, joe walsh is CRAAAZY man.

oh yeah, and i really like waiting in the weeds, the song, not the activity. omg, im being super lame.

ANYWAY, these past few days have been manageable. with all the things that have been going on, i still manage to sneak in random moments of happiness :) thanks for the people who helped me, even though i am so sure you didnt even know it. made my days awesome :)

i honestly have NOTHING to blog about.

OH wait, I remember. we went to a religious talk on the relevance of islam in modern day and there were a few interesting things that i picked out.

'Rigidity breeds hipocrisy' (haha, i wouldnt know, but SOME people do)

'People buy things thay dont need, with moeny they dont, have to impress people they dont know' (i dont find this particularly true. i can relate to it in a non-money way.)

and the last one kinda hit me hard. it was something we all knew all along and yet fail to constantly remind ourselves. what i was reminded of is that, the world, the life we're living now, its not really life. i dont know how to put it. its just an insignificant fraction of our lives which will be determined you know, after we die. so, why do i get caught up in things that will only lead me to do things that arent important and would not be significant with life as a whole ):

im a bad person ):

and no, its not the kind of thing i say where i expect people to convince me im not. im just being brutally brutally honest.

i dont understand why i dont do certain things even though i know i should.

anyway, i highly doubt people got this far in the post.

--

okay, im not being totally honest to a lot of people. but like i said, i hardly tell anyone EVERYTHING about my lfie anymore. its just weird.

--

oh and theres a very nice smiley face on my tagboard. thanks :)

STOP! In the name of love.

2011-02-22T03:00:00.000-08:00

OKAY, i am having a mediocre day. MEH. actually im lying, today was weird.

TAKE AWAY THE EMOTIONAL TURMOIL

2011-02-21T07:32:00.000-08:00

okay, so i survived last week, where i was practically waking up everyday and just...

nevermind, things are better now that ive talked them out. seriously, when you really dont know what to do, go to your parents. you wont regret it because all they want is the best for you. damn, that sounds so cliche.

but it still comes back to me sometimes and i just get so frustrated and i really wanna burst out crying. but aside from that, im almost back.

but not without another burdening thought. but its okay, its not that bad.

AND my comic relief so far has got to be american idol, you gotta love it seriously. steven tyler is awesomely hilarious.

2011-02-19T04:05:00.000-08:00

I need time before things go back to normal :) But till then, im just trying my best and im sorry if ive been distant lately. You will not believe what has been on my mind.

:)

2011-02-17T02:56:00.000-08:00

i love my parents, no question about that :) the things they are willing to do for me just amazes me. whether its just making me feel better or driving six hours to malaysia just because i felt like meeting riqa.

i love them, i swear.

aside from that, i feel horrible.

2011-02-13T06:12:00.000-08:00

I should not be so mean. Haha, my life started this year, and so far, i think ive been pretty much in control :)

2011-02-12T08:38:00.000-08:00

i miss my dreams. not ambition kind of dreams, but the sleep kind of dreams. i used to look forward to them. somewhere last year i was blessed with the nicest dreams anyone could ask for. the peace and calmness i felt could not be described, hence the lack of a description.

okay, sure i've had some rough dreams these past few years, the kind of dream i wake up with a jerk. the kind of dream which could make me cry. like dreaming that a loved one passed away. that could have been the scariest dream ever. waking up and realising that it wasnt true, would also be the best feeling ever. the relief is just really really massive.

so feeling those two extreme emotions in a matter of seconds, the contrast of the whole situation, was just really really hard to take in. i literally had to calm myself, and realise it was just dream.

okay, im moving away from the point that i miss dreaming. i miss having those random change of scenes, meeting people you haven't met in a long time, and waking up to only fuzzy memories of what could be the best time of your life.

but yeah, recently, its just darkness. no signs, no happiness, no sadness, no scare. nothing.

i feel less rested and less satisfeied with my sleep. but maybe, i deserve this.

--

i wonder if anyone ever feels like this. this is a different point by the way. i wonder if anyone has ever felt like God is angry at them, or God is not satisfied with them. because i've been feeling this recently.

i could list out the possible reasons, because im not a very good person. but i would never know, i really wouldn't.

but the world is too hard to go through without faith. we all have seen the ugly side of the world and it would just be plain difficult to see it and not believe that there could be something greater to help the situation. i dont know what i'd do if i had nothing to pray to. every time something seemingly unsolvable comes to us, our immediate reaction would be to pray. what would i do without it? i would be more cynical towards things, i would believe less, i wouldn't believe that miracles could happen.

because i know, people are just people.

also, religion gives purpose in life. seriously, the set of morals they give it all just makes life more fulfilling. so even though, HYPOTHETICALLY, i repeat, HYPOTHETICALLY, God does not exist, i would still not regret holding on to faith. it's jsut better for my life. i would be doing worse things in the world if morals were not guarded by religion standing.

So, i'll just end of with, God, please forgive me.

2011-02-12T06:31:00.000-08:00

God,

I think i haven't been a very good person. Sorry.

Ruzanna

2011-02-11T22:41:00.000-08:00

Decisions are so confusing ):

Damnit, lets just hope this year im actually going to make one. unlike last year where i became some sort of wuss and backed out ): i should stick to it this year :)

lets just end with one thing...

open doors (haha, no one knows what this means, but thank you)

2011-02-09T08:00:00.000-08:00

There are some things i just cannot do. call me square or self concious, but i cannot pon lectures no matter how useless i think they are to me. i dont know why, i cant explain, its probably those kind of subconcious nurturing that i never got over.

but it sucks to some extent because then i feel strangely alone.

anyway, haha, that's just an explanation to why i cant pon lectures, its not because im trying to push anyone away, i would if i could, walk out those doors with you, but somehow it doesnt come as easily ):

and i hope i can be accepted that way :)

moving on, new class, new dynamics, new wavelength, new everything. i dont know about the rest, but i dont feel very comfortable (yet) in my class. like ive known these people for two years, but i think there would still be this awkwardness. but hopefully it will all change!

so it was pretty much emo-nemo in the morning along with reflectiveness in the later part of the morning. BUT, haha, met my OG and we were having fun :) LOL, today was seriously epic.

today something happened but i totally remembered my new years resolution/psycho issue

1) Do not care about how other people are judging you if you think what you're doing is right. Im not going to be a pushover to feelings a person may or may not have.

So, im gna stick it out :D

SO, highlight of the day was spending time with my OG. hope i can see my TA peeps tmrw, its been one day away from them and i miss them like MAAAAD :)

Other than that, I feel like throwing :O

This is going to be a long one.

2011-02-06T05:45:00.000-08:00

just to start things of, my cny was great. i wish it was more productive, but hey, you cant blame me. actually you can, but i dont want to blame me.

so first few days were spent with the malay peeps. havent hung out with them in really long, so it was all fun and MONOPOLY DEAL. finally learnt how to play. LETS just say i would never want to live in monopoly land. but it was not bad i guess, i won twice out of the millions of times we played. AND there was once i helped charmaine win lah. PLEASE.

also, when we went to the beach we noticed how many malays there were. yeah, so when the chinese go visiting the malays go out to play. it was seriously a sight to see. HAHA, with the countless of guitars, bbq-ed halal food and blaring radios. I AM NOT KIDDING. this seems to be the scene at every picnic mat.

so we went skating. i was so tired that when i boarded 31, i slept till tampines when i wanted to get off at tanah merah. the feeling was like 'SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT' cause i was really lazy to go back to tanah merah and then WALK home some more. and it was one of those days where the sun was seriously, no joke, merciless.

haha, but overall it was a fun holiday. got a lot of WOW shit done. cant say the same about maths though ): but i watched a lot of bones too. so it was satisfying :)

--

NEW NOTE: people shouldn't hurt other people. because that would just drive others to hurt them back. and that's when you begin a never-ending cycle of hurt. actually it could end, but it ends with major major hurt.

interpretations vs truth. the actions people do would be the facts. that is in fact what they did. why they did it, if we are not sure become merely assumption. the more things people do, the more assumptions we have on the person and soon it builds a story. this story then controls your perception of everything the person does.

but these perceptions and interpretations may not be true. what we know are only the actions. justifying them, no matter how well you know the person is a risk. because we dont know if it's true or not. it would all spiral into a circle of assumption which sucks because then there would be no room for change or improvement in the person. so in a way, everyone is misunderstood.

haha, i got all that from ayah after he came back from a leadership course. obviously i added some things of my own too. its an epiphany moment because somewhere in the back of you head you know this is happening. but when someone puts it into words for you, you cant help but go 'OOOOH'.

and you start seeing trends. i see our classroom dynamics, our team dyanmics , our family dynamics and you start realising things.

so, hope i gave you an epiphany moment. i dont think i explained it very well though.

but there are other things i think about that are somewhat related to this.

and this would be explaining my own problem. OH, i forgot, if you made it this far reading this post, i swear, i love you :)

haha, anyway, there are people who react towards certain things because of how they THINK people will feel or react to their actions. and these come from your own feelings when someone else does something similar, people disapproving such behaviour and what not.

and this is what makes me so insecure. the fact that if other people as well as myself would disapprove of a certain action, doing it will only cause them to hate me and what not.

so because of this, i live life thinking about how everyone else is thinking about me but then i realise its not nice living like this. why is there this need to be liked, or approved so to speak. am i that scared that if i were myself i would be hated. SERIOUSLY, SERIOUSLY.

and then all this while trying to please people i only end up hating myself.

so all this is nonsense and somewhat related to my previous post. haha, this year, im going to change because i need a change. and i need people to help me out with this change. haha, are you with me? :D

--

next part is equally deep. spiritually deep in a way.

sometimes you just start to think. God. he is the Harmer and yet he is the Most Merciful, he punishes and yet he is the Most Forgiving. these values seem conflicted in a way so im trying to see how all these values can be possible within one being. well here's what i've come up with:

1) Firstly, most importantly, he is God, who are we to question the extent of his greatness. with ease, he can perform all these values, maybe just in a way we cannot udnerstand. so to make it clear: im not questioning, im merely trying to understand :)

2) Secondly, i honestly believe it is to appeal to the different natures of people. some people need the fear of God to go to the right path. yet, some believe through the compassion of God. different people need different approaches. and i dont know why, in my gut, this is what i believe, even though there are obvious loopholes. haha, i wonder if someone can just tell me what's wrong with what im saying. i have a feeling its flawed, but i cant pinpoint the flaw.

3) Thirdly, maybe it all boils down to the intention of the person. if the person is genuine in asking for forgiveness, then God is all forgiving and merciful. but there needs to be a limit. people cannot just think that they'll be forgiven just by saying it. they need to feel sorry and genuine. and God can see through your intentions. so maybe, God can be allforgiving and merciful but at some point he has to punish people who do wrong and honestly dont feel bad about it. so it depends on the sincerity of the individual himself.

okay, this is where my mind has been in the past few days, i just needed to put them in words to make it more organized. haha, i feel so much clearer now. but my writing seems to be everywhere. haha, help me if you can.

--

LAST POINT: thank you for making it this far in my post. you seriously are awesome :)

2011-02-05T04:12:00.001-08:00

Seriously, priorities can get very screwed up. But if you're not going to care, I'm not going to either ): It's just too hard working alone.

2011-02-02T10:23:00.000-08:00

you know, im tired of doing this. im tired of telling everyone just bits and pieces of my thoughts. im sick of the fact that there are people i know if i tell anything to, would let let it out really easily. im angry at myself for being so insecure that i cant fully trust anyone. and im so sad that whenever i talk the only thing i can think about is how other people are judging me.

when did i get this insecure, seriously what happened in the span of three years?

whatever happened, its not the issue anymore. i am just waiting, for the one non-judgemental person, who when i talk to it doesnt seem like a chore, and would always make time for me and would never ever tell anyone else.

its just i know everyone's right now caught up in their own world. and i really cant blame them. and this doesnt change the fact that i love them.

but wouldnt it be nice to have that one person i can finally tell everything to :)

PS: IM NOT TALKING ABOUT A BOYFRIEND. just a friend, any kind of friend.

2011-01-31T13:23:00.000-08:00

i'm just so uncomfortable now. soooo, uncomfortable.

that aside, im starting to think that im not ready for this year. im not ready for A's. im not ready for anything.

Take Backs and More!

2011-01-29T05:37:00.000-08:00

i said something yesterday which i would like to take back. i said something about chivalry being dead. well, that's not true. and all it took was one dude. so there's this guy in american idol. if you watched it, you probably know who im talking about already.

chris medina. you completely changed my mind about guys and chivalry and what not. when he said that very impactful line, whoa, it brought tears to...nadh's face. and it just made me and the cousins feel so touched.

it was something along the lines of 'What kind of guy would I be if i left her when she needed me the most.' it was the kind of situation where he could run if he wanted to, he did not agree to this. everyone would understand. but he chose to stay and that kind of act is just something that deserves to be respected.

so yes, thank you chris medina for making me think that not all guys are shallow and dirty minded. even though that's true for most guys i know, these are the same guys who told me straight out that bruno mars is lying when he sang Just the Way You Are and the kind of guys who make down right sick jokes that aren't even funny (most of the time, teehee)

but i'm hoping that's because you're all teenagers maybe you'll grow up to be respectable men, i dont know, hopefully.

PS: I'm not saying girls are perfect, but i am a million per cent sure that girls are less shallow than guys :)

--

MOVING ON, orientation was fine i guess, my OG's pretty awesome. while it could be awesomer, i think we're slowly building up to it. but it feels weird because i feel so comfortable in tj already that it doesn't feel like an orientation exactly. i dont know how to express it, but yeah.

hopefully, i'll feel more at ease. i dont know, there's just something in the back of my mind that doesn't seem to go away. something that is making me feel so not calm.

--

another thing is PDP. ah damnit. today i went throwing with the softballers, and this made me so frustrated because, i cant deny that i love it. and now i have to join something else. i dont know what to do, i dont know what to do, i dont know what to do.

speaking of today's outing, it was fun :) and it just made me smile. so thanks guys, if you read this :) we should do this more often and it was exactly what i need.

--

'Save yourself for better darling.'

HAHAHAHA.

--

I'm not a very nice person in my head. i can try to be impartial and logical and that's what i want to be. but in my head a million and one things are happening. a million and one things are being judged by my merciless brain and that's when i thank God that not all of it (almost none actually) comes out of my mouth.

sure there have been occurances of one or two slips, but so far everything i had to keep, has not escaped.

which brings me to my most current thought. i think it, and know it's true, but now i feel guilty. damn, i need to find my place again.

2011-01-28T08:03:00.000-08:00

Today someone told me something which i agreed to :) agreed with so much that i was smiling to myself and yet i think no one noticed. and it came from the most unexpected person ever.

so thank you.

this would be an abridged version of what i intended to post because i realised that, it was kind of weird. haha, because some people are not mature enough to realise certain things. HAHA.

--

aside from that, damn you everybody who told me mcspicy was freaking nice. becuase you guys are so right and i ate two in two days ): why did you people have to make it sound so nice. now im fat and im blaming it all on you people. which is mainly azri and hijanah. sad face and a mixture of angry face too. tsk.

--

i was sad in the middle of the week, then i was happy and then i was sadder than ever and now im fine. its not the period, it's more of the circumstances. but i think i didnt vent that much. kept it all too myself in my head.

--

im starting to think chivalry is dead. but then again so is the era of submissive women. does that make this even? hell to the no. i wont consider myself a feminist, but being submissive is not morally right and chivalry is the total opposite.

get what im saying. it was never balanced to begin with.

Running

2011-01-23T03:38:00.000-08:00

teeeeheeee, aren't i happy. after running highness/happiness now. i wish i could feel like this EVERRRRRRRRYDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY. but i know i cant. its not that i will be sad, or angry or anything. i think i would just be emotionless. so i like times like these when im feeling happy. maybe i should run before school everyday.

which means i must wake up early. you know what, sleep makes me happy too. so i should just run whenever.

im really happy now, im literally smiling. sure i feel tired and dead, but im happy. its so weird. this endorphin triggered happiness is awesome.

i sound like im on drugs now all high and gay. and this is a huge contrast to my previous emonemo post. especially when i feel awesome possum now.

--

on another note entirely, i feel like zooming past orientation and straight into the schoolmode. its not that i dont wanna make friends, its just, i dont know, i have a good feeling about this year. like everything's going to change. because of a few reasons:

1) I finally realise that putting people on pedestals and pleasing them before pleasing myself makes me feel like crapnuggets. so this year, im pushing that aside. like really far aside. especially now when i know that there are people who really dont care about that crap.

2) I wanna do well. the last two years i just didnt wanna fail. and thats not enough. so this year, i wanna do well or at least to the best of my abilities.

its just this gut feeling that i have that this year, would be different because ive realised a few things in these two years. its not my happiest years, but its not my worst either, but it definitely would be the two years i:

1) Failed a lot.
2) Learnt a lot. about myself, people, interactions, cat string theories.

so i am aware of what not to do. so i hope you all pray for me that this year, i would be better :) and hopefully the same will happen for you too.

im so optimistic after i run :) i love this.

--

i keep daydreaming on the mrt, seriously. i dont usually read cause i can get nauseous (but sometimes i do, cause its interesting). so im like listening to my music and im thinking about what kind of job i want, what kind of lifestyle i want and everything in my head seems perfect.

haha, but im not gna get it just because im dreaming about it. it comes with solid work. which right now seems a LOT. i dont know, maybe i just have to break it down, and do things one at a time.

ALWAYS LIKE THAT I WANNA CRY

2011-01-19T08:36:00.000-08:00

im crying.

because, when i tell my friends about my family, im always positive about it.

because it usually is.

i love my family.

but sometimes seriously, WTH.

and the screwed up twisted shit, is that they're laughing at me. yes, i am in tears and frustrated and they can laugh at me. that is seriously some screwed up twisted shit.

and, no matter how hard i try, im going to be okay with them tomorrow.

but sometimes i dont wanna be, because its like admitting i am wrong.

but wth right, im always wrong. and i bet if they read this right now they're laughing. they're laughing cause theyre never wrong and theyre laughing because they think im making a big deal out of nothing.

it would be nothing if it happened less.

okay, lets just say, in black and white im going to forgive them (and i can just see them rolling their eyes because they think that they should be the ones forgiving me)

but, dammit, its always the same im going to remember this until the next time it happens, because i always do. i can name you all the times this ganging up happens.

sick twisted shit. becuase yeah, i would say im happy with my family most of the time, but when this kind of thing happens, it really pisses me off and i always end up crying.

and tonight is worse, because they laughed. i cant believe it LAUGHED. call me sensitive, but having someone laugh at you while youre crying is not a picnic.

2011-01-15T21:52:00.000-08:00

annoying like hell. seriously, i can take some things you say, but sometimes, stop saying stuff to seem like the cooler person wth.

i dont like to rant about this cause it feels wrong, but i needa put it out there somewhere.

i know im gna regret this.

she hides like a child but she's always a woman to me

2011-01-11T05:48:00.000-08:00

realization kind of sucks, but like i said, im going to reach point of realizations faster, and i guess i have.

but this one, i cant let go :) and for good reason, i'm kind of waiting it out, i promise it doesnt affect anything except my thoughts on the mrt. but a lot of things affect my thought on the mrt. especially on the way back with the funny people, weirdos.

--

second point: ZOMYGOODNESS, booth from BONES is super macho. manleh. and so is hugh jackman, i wonder what an asian manly guy looks like. and yet i have this image in my head of some random fangirl showing me a picture of some skinny guy with a girly face. with uneven nostrils.

but that's just in my head. im sure there are manly asian people. ooh, i just thought of one. teeehee, moving on.

BUT before that, booth is really manleh in the show :)

--

third point: congrats to the o-level-ers who met their expectations or even went beyond that :) just go anywhere and over there THEN you choose to be happy, cause it really doesnt matter where you go. it took me a while before i realised it, i hope you all don't make the same mistake, honestly.

because we're just used to something being familiar and a new school is like the furthest thing from familiar. ever. but, seriously, dont compare to anything because you'll only be comparing the flaws of the school to the flairs of your previous school. and that, is obviously a biased statement.

and to those who didn't do as well as expected: im not sure about everyone, but whenever things dont turn out my way i complain and emo nemo. but then after a long long time, i realise that maybe God has other plans, because we are taught that he is the all-knowing, all-wise. so if anyone knows your life better than you, it should be God. so what you think is a disaster right now, maybe God is thinking otherwise. i wouldnt know and you wouldnt know. but it makes everything look nicer for a second.

but trust me, its hard to un-upset yourself when you're really upset. so take this time to cry it out whatever, but then we have to move one. its hard, and i dont like it, but its gotta be done. (but i dont usually follow my own advice, but next time i should!)

anyway, love you guys :D

--

fourth point: i read something that came out of my facebook newsfeed. it has got to be one of the most touching things i've ever read. i dont usually get swayed by people who talk like this, but for some reason when you read this you'll get this tightness in your chest, cause i think some part of me wants it to be true.

okok, no more build up, here it is.

A little boy asked his mother, "Why are you crying?"

"Because I...'m a woman," she told him.

"I don't understand," he said.

His Mom just hugged him and said,

"And you never will."

Later the little boy asked his father, "Why does

mother seem to cry for no reason?"

"All women cry for no reason," was all his

dad could say.

The little boy grew up and became a man, still

wondering why women cry.

Finally he met an old man who would surely know the answer.

And he asked him: "Old man, why do women cry so easily?"

Old man sad: "When woman was created, she had to be made special. Allah created

her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet

gentle enough to give comfort. She was given an inner strength to endure

childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children. And a hardness that allows

her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family

through sickness and fatigue without complaining.

Allah gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all

circumstances, even when her child

has hurt her very badly. She was given strength to

carry her husband through his faults and she was fashioned from his rib to protect

his heart.

Allah gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his

wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly.

And lastly, Allah gave her a tear to shed. This is hers and only hers

exclusively to use whenever she needs it.

She needs no reason, no explanation, its hers."

"You see my son," said old man, "the beauty of a woman

is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she

combs her hair.

The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because

that is the doorway to

her heart - the place where love resides."

(i'm just going to say it, if you felt nothing readin this, you're either a jerk OR a robot, nah, im kidding, you're both. a jerk-ish robot. NAH, i keed, i keed.)

--

fifth point: i'm still in love with the song She's Always a Woman to Me. goodness gracious me, the song is really sweet i guess (as compared to bruno mars, im not hating on bruno mars)! dont be judging.

SO yeah, just give it a listen, it's by billy joel!

The World

2011-01-10T05:55:00.000-08:00

BECAUSE...

IT HAS GOT TO BE RIGHT THE FIRST TIME :)

Too Much Faith

2011-01-08T08:49:00.000-08:00

while it is good to have a little faith, relying too much on it is not good. thinking everything would work out, is no way to lead a life.

that's why, my new years resolution is this: take my life into my own hands, no more waiting or depending on anything :)

aside from that, i shall keep my new years resolution simple. simple :)

1) THINK before speaking. i know ive been doing this a lot these past few months, BUT some things have slipped out that came out all wrong and i feel awful for a period of time, but now, i cant remember anything.

2) WIN THE BET - damnit, this is not really a new years resolution, this is more of I HAVE TO BEFORE AZRI DOES, and for all i know it could be five years. (please let me meet a hughjackman-ish guy before azri gets a girlfriend)

okay, that's all i can think of. how ambitious. but i think my main resolution about taking life into my own hands, is the most important, SERIOUSLY.

BUT for now, we move on. remember what i said about being in love with the trip to and fro science centre, i kinda love it even more now, because singapore has some very interesting people and it entertains me.

INCIDENT 1:

I was standing on the way to science centre and there was also this dood who was standing. so when we stopped at one of the mrt stations someone got off their seats. so both of us jerked forward to get the seat. but once we saw the other person do so we both stopped. and i looked at him. I COULDNT IMAGINE WHAT KIND OF FACE I GAVE HIM, i think it was one of those pathetic half-asleep disgusting faces. HAHA, btu by then someone already took the seat. then he walked far away from me and alighted four stops after. damn i made an MRT enemy.

INCIDENT 2:

RINIGNG HANDPHONE and _______ PDA. HAHA, LOL AT THIS!

INCIDENT 3:

OMG this one is damn STUPID, i cant stand it. GUYS CAN BE JERKS LAH PLEASE. so there was this couple. and they were standing by the 'Reserved Seat' sign which shows you who you should give up your seat for (not the SHAH interreproeproeptation. INCEPTION!)

Boyfriend: Eh, look that's you (pointing to the pregnant woman)

Girlfriend: Eh you damn mean! (or something like this and turned away)

AND the boyfriend just laughed and held her hand and she forgave him. OMG, HE IS REALLY DAMN MEAN! i would just slap him. haha (unless its hugh!)

so far those are the only ones i could think of. but right now, i need to sleep :D NIGHT!

She's Always a Woman To Me

2011-01-06T06:47:00.000-08:00

this is my current new favourite song of the day :)

it totally pwns just the way you are by bruno mars. okay okay, i dont really have a problem with him, i dont know where all this biased-ness is coming from. no, im not jealous that he is acting like the perfect boyfriend (i have hugh jackman, and he's perfect ALWAYS :D)

but, im just saying, to people who think just the way you are is like a really sweet song to sing to your girlfriend, DONT, hahahahaha, sing this.

i dont know, personal preference :)

---

Aside from that im really tired and the only reason im here is to procrastinate ): okay, im going to do my daily log now!

How are you today?

2011-01-05T06:07:00.000-08:00

What happens when you realise that if you were someone else you probably wouldn't like yourself. haha, that kind of sucks. anyway, its the second day of attachment and so far it has been...manageable.

I will say one thing, i dont think programming is my thing. haha, but im learning a lot (as in the scratch format, not ACTUAL programming) teehee. so far the highlight of my attachment is the journey there, goodness, i think im in love with it.

seriously, especially today morning when it was not so early and quite early that it was okay-ly empty. and i managed to sit down and listen to nice music the whole way through.

AND GUESS WHAT I'M LISTENING TO:

it's the kind of thing where i hear one song, and i like and put the whole album in to test drive. so this month's album is

1) BILLY JOEL's ALBUM
2) EAGLES (Best of, i think)

and random songs by maher zain, blue, mr big, bad english.

im starting to like 80s music the whole dramatic, i cant live without you kind of thing. they do it without being over-ly mushy, i like :D

okay so the verdict of these two albums, QUITE COOL, haha, different kinds of songs, not like the kind who would sing about one thing and one thing alone:

EXAMPLESZXZXZ:

TAYLOR SWIFT: i'll let hijanah tell you, shes damn annoyed at her for some reason (BTW HIJANAH, SHE BROKE UP WITH JAKE SO REJOICE!)

Bruno Mars: I'm sorry, though his music is nice, really it is more of Bruno mars saying what a good boyfriend he is by telling her how pretty she is and how he would catch a grenade for her and that his girlfriend has low self esteem and doesnt care about him. i know its not the care, but that's what i think.

DAMMIT, why cant my life be like 80s music, straight to the point and (hopefully) as sincere as possible and nice to listen to.

ASIDE from that, I SUCK, i told myself, that now that it is WOW period i would get some work done, and yet i dont. I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK SO BAD.

2011-01-03T09:16:00.001-08:00

How do you deal with a condescending elitist? You don't, you make as many irrational arguments and see what happens, it just helps.

--

Aside from that, honestly speaking i am depressed. I SWEAR I DONT WANNA GO BACK TO SCHOOL I WANNA CRY. even though its just attachment, its reality sinking in. and damn that sucks because i realise how my life sucks so bad it's actually funny.

it really is, now i gotta focus, but i really cant.

DAMMIT, i suck. its funny.

New Year Post

2011-01-01T08:08:00.000-08:00

its a new year, but because of the lack of sleep these past few days thanks to several MONSTERS. haha, but i guess there was no better way to end the holidays than to spend time with people who somewhat make you feel the happiest.

anyway, happy new year, maybe i'll post resolutions, if i find motivation to make some. HAHA.

okay.

Signing off now is your ambitiousless friend,
Ruzanna.

SMILEs

2010-12-29T14:12:00.000-08:00

My previous post was pretty epic, mainly in content and length, okay mostly on length, whatever. BUT this one, is going to be almost as awesome. after watching a few movies (i couldnt sleep, so i watched like 2 movies on azri's laptop), i realised, some people just have really nice smiles. seriously, a person who is not as goodlooking but with a killer smile totally pwns a really goodlooking guy who doesn't smile. HAHA, totally my opinion. i've never been someone who likes supposedly drop dead gorgeous people :D

but that's just me :D

okay, so here are a few people with awesome smiles :D (in no particular order) - dont mind the randomness of the post, but its early and i havent slept at ALL. so, yeah, mind grammar errors which i realise i make a lot cause i type while i think, which is faster than my typing rate.

OKAY, so, i gotta say, PAUL RUDD, has an awesome smile. first saw that in his old movie Clueless when he turned around and smiled in a scene. haha, it sounds stupid, i know. anyway, i think riqa's the only person i think who knows that i really like paul rudd :D but recently he's been playing cynical characters, OH WELL, what to do.

Next, would be ashton. haha, just watched when in vegas just now and i think he was controlling a smile but it turned out like a smile anyway and it was just really nice cause he looked really happy. i cant get the exact smile im talking about, but this is the closest i guess. DAMN, he's awesome.

Okay, an obvious person to be on the list (my list) would be hugh, i think he takes the whole smiling with your eyes thing to a whole new awesome level. yes, i know he's old and married and has children. but name me a more ideal man? i dont think you can :D

NOW surprise on the list would be cory monteith. I KNOW you all (mostly the people i know who watch glee) dont like him and think he's not as buff and not as good looking as the other cast members. BUT, i swear, i liked him from the start. someone even called him flabby ): but he's NOT and even if he is, he has a good really freakishly tall build. so it makes up for it. and i liked his smile while rachel was singing the only exception, cant find that one, BUT, this is a good one too :D

all im saying is that if we play shoot shag marry amongst the glee cast, id probably always marry finn without considering anyone else (maybe mike chang, blaine or kurt) teeeeheeeee.

OKAY, and then theres TOM from mcfly. HAHA, one dimple smile, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT. actually i can :D okok, PEEKTURE
.

okay, i know people aren't used to seeing me talk about guys, but haha, its something you'll have to get used to when there are so many people with such awesome smiles in the world.

OKAY, its 6 36 in the morning, im gonna be so tired later. DAMMIT. regrets.

Muhammad Ali

2010-12-23T00:22:00.000-08:00

Okay, I just watched FACING ALI yesterday a documentary (or docu-drama, whatever they call it). and that dude has one thing that stood out to me the most.

DAMMIT, he has the confidence. (and fast feet and hands, damnit, he's fast) i realised fast feet, hands and fingers tend to impress me, like soccer players with fast feet (mainly MESSI), guitarists with fast fingers (brian may, danny jones) and now muhammad ali.

OKAY, back to muhammad ali. that dude has skill, but he also has confidence and is super laser mouth. he is damn far away from being humble, but then again, i dont think he has to. with skill and experience like that. he said something like, 'it's not bragging, if you can back it up.' and he backs it up enough times.

THEN, it hit me really hard. I wanna be THAT good at something. i wanna be a muhammad ali in some field, but this is very hard when i cant find ONE thing im exceptionally good (or even normally good) at. and this frustrates me.

okay, i mean everyone wants to make a difference in the world, but i dont see how i can right now. even though i try to console myself by saying, 'man, im still young'. BUT STILL, seeing all these people (brian may, messi, fabregas) be good and love what they're doing just makes me ENVY them a whole HELL-LOT (well, envy, and a lot of respect).

and this leads back to the fact that i dont have a PDP (why does it seem that everything leads back to this. SHIT my life is sad). i dont know what the link is, but i know im not even close to being good at anything right now. sometimes i envy victor, the guy who repairs my tablet (i know his name cause there was a time where i kept calling him cause my laptop was screwed and to discuss repair fees) cause he does a good job with my tablet (until today when it started shutting down again).

dont buy tablets, they all suck.

OKAY, super digress but summary sentence: I WANNA BE GOOD AT SOMETHING (tryna be as good as muhammad ali in a certain field maybe too big for me...at this point of time TEEHEE)

--

OKAY, anyway zooming past that. i hate knowing things seriously. i know at that moment i'll be curious to know but when i know it i really wish i didnt. ignorance, is seriously seriously bliss. i dont understand why im so affected, but i just am. for some reason, i really really am.

okay, but knowing that there are awesome things in life, is just great. like the KL trip and the people in it. and looking forward to riqa coming over.

--

i didnt know how to end (or start) the previous segment, but another thing floated like a butterfly into my head (just like ali floating in the ring, man, his first few matches were brilliant). so i started thinking about this year and the mistakes i made.

and all i could think about was one huge mistake, which would somewhat be a lapse in judgement on my part, a huge lapse actually. and what made me realise that is that when it's all over, im not happy at all and all this over-active imgaination where i think about what could happen just raises hopes for nothing.

i dont think anyone can pinpoint exactly what im talking about, and i would like to keep it this way, but this is a reminder to myself (because for some reason i enjoy rereading my blog again and again): Never get as caught up as i did in this year.

it threw off everything, focus, happiness, oppurtunities. lucky for me, it wasnt so bad as to affect family. it mainly affected academics. while im not completely over it, i just realised that now, i look stupid for no reason. the reason which i was holding on for so long to, sacrifice so many things and do so many irrational things, simply disappeared when the time passes. what i thought was a good reason to sacrifice these things for, turned out to be a stupid reason, so at this stage it's letting GO. not that it's easy. i reliase people hold on things (like clingy/creepy exgirlfriends, or obsessive stalkers perhaps) because the have put so much effort into what they have worked for that they dont want things to END just because it doesn't work out. i dont know how to explain it, it's just like not worth all your effort if it doesnt end the way you want it to.

so it takes a while to see that it's for the best. do you get what im saying? LOL, i know what im thinking but i dont think im doing a good job putting it into words. SO only when you hit the point of realization that your life would be better if you lightened up on this one thing your world seems to revolve around, things get better. sure, you feel purposeless at first, but now you can put your energy somewhere else, where its put to better use.

at the moment, it seems like saddest thing to do is let go, but i think its for the better if you detach yourself from emotions for a while and look at it logically, then i promise you when you put your feelings back on, you would take everything about this one reason lightly.

so to sum up my year, it was basically a downward spiral till it reached the point of realization which was just a few weeks back, and because of this, the time spent before the point of realization was inconsequenstial.

INCONSEQUENSTIAL. azri used that word to describe me in a situation. i think it could be a good thing cause then i dont get involved in drama. but its bad on so many levels, cause then how would i make an impact like muhammad ali.

next year, i have to reach points of realizations the minute they come and not go around the bush about things.

HAHA, ive been talking crap, but it made mah brain feel so organized that im gonna go now.

MUHAMMAD ALI IS AWESOME.

2010-12-21T08:59:00.000-08:00

I'm back from KL, depressed as evaaaar. and im not being dramatic. SERIOUSLY, dammit. after six days in a room with five other girls who you are really really close with (+weirdo brothers) how can you not miss it. SERIOUSLY, the toilet quarrels, the strategies to avoid toilet quarrels, the mirror sharing, the DRAMA (nougat drama and other drama), the pictures, the weddings, the crazy games, the laughter, the shouting dont look, the pissing of arab people who are goodlooking.

DAMN, tell me how you wont miss it. its like being in a room with people you are somewhat most comfortable with after sharing a childhood with weird singing memories (dammit, we were awesome) and then suddenly, literally be put in a bus six hours from that place.

it's like what hijanah says, something about coming back and realising that I HAVE NO LIFE. because in KL, while it doesnt change the fact that i have no life, it distracts me from it very effectively. and then when i reach home, it becomes clearer than ever, that i have no life, dammit.

OKAY, to sum it up, i wish we were all still there, i know we have to dive into reality soon, but why does it have to end now. because after this is WOW, which im now only half excited to go through with. AND then theres the workload. i havent done the work i had hoped to accomplish this holiday.

i am a failure at that, BUT, i had fun these past few days.

PS my tonsils suck
PPS should have listened to cristal when she told me to surgically remove them a long time ago.

ANYWAY, i guess this is where it ends! NIGHT.

WILLBLOG IN DETAIL TMRW!

2010-12-12T08:31:00.000-08:00

1.This survey gets a little personal; can you handle it?

If it does, i'll probably avoid it, lie, or make jokes HAHA, like chandler :D

2. If you married the last person you texted, what would your last name be?

haha, my last name would always be ALWI, BUT, if it did happen it would be daryanani =O

3. Were you happy when you woke up today?

YES, because ayah finally attempted to bring us to wendys, but it was closed so we went to KFC instead, TWISTER MEAL FTW :D

4. When were you on the phone last?

Hijanah, while she was being attacked by izzah. i swear it sounded like she was being attacked by a bear, HAHA. i just remembered izzah playing Wii.

5. What is the last thing someone bought you?

ayah bout us drinks at East Coast Park, where we played softball, more of rounders, BUT fun still >:D

6. What’s something that can always make you feel better?

Hadi (if he reacts to my annoyin-ness :D) i swear, one day he's just going to punch me.

7. What are you excited for?

KL, HELL YEAH. bbbc reunion, chope-ing the toilet, 6 people to one mirror, people staring at me while i sleep (i am not sleeping in the middle)

8. What were you doing yesterday?

WELL, at first i went to Changi Boardwalk which ayah indirectly forced me to go cause he said he was going to wendys afterwards and would not get anything for me if i dont follow him (bribery). so i went and whined and ran the last 2km.

BUT instead, he went to BEDOK CORNER, but NVM, cause i was sweating anyway, it was just be rude to enter an airconditioned place RIGHT. so i had laksa.

CAME home and slept, which totally defeated ayahs purpose of bringing me, which was to make me less lazy, cause i was tired so it made me laze around the whole day, and i think we watched narnia at night, i couldnt remember which night it was.

9. Honestly, who was the last person to tell you they love you?

I forgot, but the last person to tell me he hated me was Hadi, im VERY sure.

10. What's the last thing you put in your mouth?

FREAKING AWESOME NASI LEMAK MADE BY OPAH AND BIBIK. DAMN, its seriously the BEST nasi lemak EVER.

11. Have a best friend?

WELL, i have close friends in tj and tkg. BUT i do have a BFF which is hijanah, which is lame. LOL, and somewhat my cousins are my close friends. HAHA, its hard to explain, but its awesome to have a lot of people i can trust in a way.

12. Are you scared to fall in love?

LOL, why? Is it scary?

13. Do you think teenagers can be in love?

YEAH! HAHAHAHAHAHA, i know who im talking about, but i know you think you know what youre talking about. but trust me you DONT. HAHAHAHAHA.

14. Last person you wanted to punch in the face?

im quite sure it's either nashrah or maisarah. THEY ARE SO ANNOYING. HAHA.

15. What time is it right this second?

12:46 AM

16. What do you want right now?

this moment, i wanna go down to the piano and try something but i know its gonna be fail, but i need to try so i know for a fact i CANT do it.

17. Who was the last person you took a picture with?

Hahahah, that day at pastamania, but that was with no one. LOL, except the forest tree.

18. Are you single/taken/heartbroken/or confused?

TEEHEE, single :D or married to hugh, whichever you choose to believe

19. When was the last time you cried?

When i was overwhelmed by being caught in the rain.

20. Father or mother?

NO COMMENT.

21. Do you find it hard to trust others?

it's kind of funny because i tend to trust people but then they'll do something then i wont trust them anymore. its kind of opposite from the normal flow where people trust other only after they've done something to be proven worthy of trust. i think that would leave me less sad. should adopt this flow. :D

22. How fast does your mind change?

SUPER, i think. sometimes im a pushover and that makes me sad.

23. I bet you miss somebody right now.

Yeah. SO MANY PEOPLE, but it would be fine after this week :D

24. Can you honestly say you're okay right now?

No, cause im hungry.

25. Why do you think so many people cheat?

Because people are generally impulsive, they do what they think they need to do either because of emotions or fear or whatever, the dont think it through and they end up regretting, most of the time.

26. Tell me what's on your mind

How i want kurthugoschneider to sing me to sleep every night :D

27. What are you looking forward to in the next three months?

WOW! and hopefully finally getting a PDP and getting myself UN-fat.

28. Have you ever worn the opposite sex's clothing?

HAHA, all the time. i live on hadi's t-shirts for a number of things mainly blading and sleeping.

29. When did you last talk to your number 1 top friend?

hahahahahha :)

30. When is your next road trip?

Wednesday, KL BABY.

31. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell anything to?

Nope, i really cant, they really SUCK sometimes.

32. How's your heart?

Hungry. DAMMIT, i cant focus on this stupid quiz, im seriously damn hungry

33. Have you ever felt like you weren't important?

OMG all the TIME.

34. Do you think somebody's in love with you?

NOPE, teehee, except hugh jackman.

35. What are you planning on doing after this?

WATCH MAH GLEE.

36. When will your next kiss take place?

whenver i feel like annoying hadi or hafiz, which would be tmrw.

37. Have you told anybody you loved them today?

YEAH, HADI, right after i told him he was my FAVOURITE :D and then he said he hated me BASKET

38. Who do you not get along with?

UM. i cant think of anybody now, but im sure there are.

39. What does your 3rd recent text say?

HAHA, cant, this person would KEEL me.

40. What are you wearing right now?

a baggy puma shirt and red spotty pajama pants

41. Are you wasting your time on the person you like?

LOL, hahahahahahahhahaha, yes. but i wouldnt consider stalking tom fletcher's twitter wasting my time though.

42. When's the last time you had a grilled cheese?

i cant remember, seriously.

43. What's your favorite boy and girl name right now?

KURTHUGOSCHNEIDER

44. How did you feel when you woke up?

like i dont wanna wake up.

45. Do you wish someone would call or text you right now?

HAHA, yeah, cause im super bored.

46. Do you crack your knuckles?

NO, this is one thing that i really dont like, i swear i hate the sound of it. IT SOUNDS SO PAINFUL and i really cant bring myself to do it to myself, SERIOUSLY.

47. What were you doing yesterday at midnight?

i think i was guitar-ing trying out more magic four chords song

48. What are your LEGAL initials?

RBA

49. Who's the first B in your contacts?

BRENDA the BLENDA

50. When was the last time you laughed really hard?

HAHA, i cant remember there were so many today, but top five has got to be:

1) When haziq thought slut meant WINNER. he shouted (IM A SLUT) when he beat me in beyblade. HAHA.

2) RACCOON MOMENT.

3) HANISAH's RECENT bimbo moment with the malfunctioning cans.

4) ENRIQUE moment.

5) when a pineapple fell on charmaine's leg

51. Your number 1 top friend walks out of your life, do you go after them?

YEAH! like DOOD WHAT THE HELL, but i think ive proven to myself that if someone walks out of my life its because they want to and i dont want them to be there for me if they dont want to, even though it has yet to be proven that i will get over it, i PROBABLY wil.

52. Last awkward moment?

LOL, at the airport with OPAH where we met somebody after talking about that person in the car. DAMN, that was funny.

53. Are you afraid of the dark?

Not really, but id rather sleep where theres light.

55. Have you ever tripped someone?

TEEHEE

56. Have you ever slapped someone?

all the time, ask hadi

57. Are you Irish?

YES, i remember when i was in sec one for some reason i called someone a green leprechaun, was it myself? LOL, i think so.

58. Do you use chop sticks?

Yeah! EVEN THOUGH IM NOT CHINESE :D theres no better way to eat instant noodles :D

59. Do you have any scars?

Yeah three, all from my appendicits operation, its SICK.

60. Is there someone you will never forgive?

Nope, i dont think so.

61. Do you laugh off embarrassing moments?

HAHA, most of the time, namely 1) Enrique moment, even though it was embarassing for haziyah. HAHA and so much more.

62. Name the last person to text you?

Daryanani

63. Would you marry someone 8 years older than you?

DEPENDS, how awesome is he? but then again HUGH is like so much older and i would marry him

64. Can you go in public looking like you do?

i always do. i walked to the JAILANIs house in my sleepy pants which made me look like an escapee from the old folks home, i didnt say it, someone else did.

65. What side of the bed do you sleep on?

SINGLE BED!

66. Is it easy for someone to make you smile?

HAHA, yeah, when the person behind the counter asks if i want extra whip cream :D

67. What's the first thing you'll do on your wedding day?

HAHA, oversleep, i need to rest.

68. Do you fall for people easily?

i dont think so, given the fact that this has never REALLY REALLY happened

69. Has anyone put their arms around you in the past 5 days?

Yeah LOL.

70. Do you miss the way things used to be?

TOTALLY, omg this question is readin my mind.

71. How often do you hold back from saying what you are thinking?

more often than people think.

72. Song you're thinking of right now?

the cover of i'll follow you into the dark by kurthugoschneider.

73. Want someone back in your life?

so many ): im wondering if i should let people walk away, seriously. im not even sure if theyre happier that way. but i dont know if its right to expect them to come back. ARGHGHDSFJD.

74. Will tomorrow be better than today?

no, i dont think im doing anything tmrw.

75. What’s the color of you’re shirt you are wearing?

grey with red words

76. Has anyone ever sang or played music for you personally?

TEEHEE, yeah, when i was young people always sang a song about my name.

77. Does it bother you when someone lies to you?

it all boils down to intention, but id rather people not.

78. Is there anyone who understands your relationship status?

EVERYONE does.

79. Are you a naturally happy person? Or is your happiness forced?

i would like to think im naturally happy but i know for a fact that sometimes happiness has to be forced

80. Is there anyone you wish would fall in love with you?

kurthugoschneider, hugh, tom :D teehee. doesnt everybody?

NOW, my show is loaded, TEEHEE, im OFF.

2010-12-09T07:55:00.001-08:00

haha, one word can change your whole day.

Today two things made my day.

1) MCFLY live videos. okay, refer to two or three posts ago. ANYWAY, there's something about them that really just makes me feel so awesome. seriously, i dont know if its their voices, their fingers on the guitar, or their good-lookingness, but there's just something about them that really gets to me :D AND, it's not gay, PFFFT.

2) Listening to Queen on the bus. seriously how people can listen to queen and not feel like bursting into song on the bus is seriously a mystery. hijanah knows what im talking about ('COME ON') HAHA. ESPECIALLY dont stop me now. SERIOUSLY, seriously.

Okay and a few things that have been entertaining me:

1) MAGIC CHORDS AND FINDING SONGS THAT FIT INTO THEM

2) ALEYNA JFKADJKFJD SO ADORABLE.

3) HALO INFECTION, i suck, but its seriously fun to tumble.

okay, off to learn new things about the world

Rain

2010-12-07T16:08:00.000-08:00

It's eight in the morning and im hungry. as in really hungry, why would i lie about how hungry i am. haha, okay, im just talking crap. anyway, this month has been awesome for one reason and one reason alone.

RAIN. oh goodness gracious me (teehee, hijanah, this was intentional), i LOVE the rain, not the ninja assasin with the super muscular body, totally 0% fact but with horrible hair. BUT the water that falls down from the clouds. how un-poetic, but never mind.

I have been caught in the rain 3 or 4 times this month (of december) alone, and it's only been 8 days of it.

there's something liberating about it, until i see lightning and then get totally paranoid cause i dont know it might strike you and you can DIE. BUT aside from, rain is awesome. i dont know how it can trigger so much emotion. there are times when you can laugh through the rain and there were times where i dont know for what reason or maybe even a build up of emotions, but when youre walking through heavy rain you just allow yourself to cry not for a specific reason but for everything that's going wrong.

and you just need that to feel better :D

SO yes, I love the rain. and no, i dont pity you for people who have to train indoors (okay, maybe a bit, i used to hate training indoors), BUT TEEHEE.

im still hungry, now im having second thoughts of going to school. i think eating will help me play the piano.

OHOH, and i hate how well ridhwan plays the piano D:< cause im super jealous ^^

im high-ing while everyone is asleep, i'll try playing piano now, or eat. see first.

Condescendence

2010-12-05T08:14:00.000-08:00

It's funny how a few months ago i had a blogpost with the same title.

But things are really different now, really really different. Cause i can tell you its ten times worse in this situation. i used to have reassurance, but now there's really no one i could tell without annoying that person. and even though someone tried to help, i dont wanna disturb this person anymore.

The thing about condescendence is that it hurts because of the people it's coming from. sometimes, they were people who are just disappointed in you and you know you're disappointed in yourself but you cant stand the fact that the person could stand to rub it in like that.

and then theres another kind. the kind that come out of spite and to them, it really doesn't affect them. but i dont think this person knows that everytime something of that sentiment is said, i cannot just put it aside because everytime i see myself all i can see is this. and people ask me and get annoyed by low self esteem.

BUT IM STARTING TO SEE THE BIG PICTURE NOW, ITS NOT MY FAULT YOU PUT ME DOWN, IT REALLY ISNT. IT ISNT MY FAULT I BELIEVE YOU CAUSE I RESPECT YOU, SO STICK TO WHAT YOU THINK, if you think im lousy, okay, but dont deny it and get annoyed when i say it about myself cause thats what you want me to think, and i respect you, so i take you seriously.

so if its out of spite, it would be nice to know you werent serious. but as of now, if thats what you think so be it, seriously.

(irony of it all, at that moment i was reading a book about a woman who wasnt skinny, maybe like me, and was confident and everything, and i was just about to be comfortbale in mine, but some things cannot change, so maybe i wasnt like the person in the book.)

why would it be so wrong to be okay with not being super skinny and enjoy eating, i really dont udnerstand.

TMRWs my first step.

SMILE

2010-11-28T07:43:00.000-08:00

Okay, everybody and i mean EVERYBODY has that band which makes them squeal or smile to themselves like crazy. Some try to hide it, that's me, at first, and some openly show it annoyingly, but now i realize that i cant blame them, cause there are so many times i can hide a smile or grin or chuckle or giggle or whatever when i hear them.

I really tried to keep it to myself cause people were saying how uncool it was to like them, but i cant take it anymore, theyre awesome and i love them so so so so so so much that i cant even be cool about this, not like i was cool about it in the first place.

It's because theyre mcfly, and they are versatile and they are cute and their fingers move fast on the guitar and they have nice voices and they are funny.

and if you asked me to list a million reasons why i love them i probably could, so this is just me being honest. among the simple plan, good charlotte, QUEEN, linkin park etcetcetc i have mcfly songs. and they sometimes are just the right set of voices i need to make my day. and along the years i have dragged several people (hijanah, weiling) into this craze.

BUT im not the only one with crazes. and its not just girls with their biebers and jonas(es), guys get all squeal-y too, take azri for example i am sure he would scream like if he met mike shinoda. and guys with their korean girls, haha SNSD or something like that.

SO its perfectly healthy, as how im trying to convince myself, because for me, allowing them to make me that happy is weird, but it feels so nice and...warm inside. HAHA kidding, but theyre awesome and i dont wanna deny it (i never did it but i never openly said i liked them, so i like them :D a lot) anymore.

IM GOING TO SLEEP NOW!

Drifting

2010-11-25T06:26:00.000-08:00

Okay, I have nothing to blog about, so before i could think of on one, ill just do a quiz:

Once you are tagged. Answer all the questions honestly, no lying to avoid stuff.

Starting time: 2232

Name: Ruzanna Alwi

Brother(s): Azri, Hadi, Hafiz

Sister (s): Nadhirah, Nashrah, Maisarah

Eye Color: BLACK, i think :)

Shoe size: Small, compared to azri's hairy feet

Hair: Messi(y) most of the time :)

Piercings: NONE

Height: 154.5

What are you wearing right now? : Blue sleepy pants with a yellow shirt with one sleeve being brown and the other being black!

Where do you live?: Right now, I want to live in Africa (for a few months)

Favorite number: 3

Favorite drink: RIGHT NOW: MINUTE PULPY ORANGE TEEHEE

Favorite month: April

Favorite breakfast: MASHED POTATO WITH GHANY

-Have You Ever-

Broken a bone: NOPE, but i do remember wanting to at some point of time, so grateful that God knew better :)

Been in a police car: NOPE, but i want to, like not to get arrested just to like joy ride for fun.

Fallen for a friend: Nope, but i think i fell on a friend before. SORRY. And i fell on haziyah while trying to be enrique, classic raccoon moments.

Fallen for a guy/girl in a short period of time: Nopr

Swam in the ocean: TOTALLY, TIOMAN FOR THE WIN

Fallen asleep in school: HONESTLY, who hasn't?

Broken someone’s heart? NOPE, consperm i think!

Cried when someone died? yeah ):

Sat by the phone all night waiting for someone to call: Nope, OH WAIT, last night when i waited for riqa to call.

Saved e-mails: Yeah :)

Been cheated on: HAHA, while playing bluff and PEOPLE who constantly cheat my feelings

-What-

Your room is like: not my room cause i camp in hadi's room!

What is right beside you?: The mouse.

What is the last thing you ate?: SEAWEEEEED, pwn. AND MEE SIAM also pwn.

-Ever Had-

Chicken pox: YEAH when i was six, i scratched it a lot. IT was freaking uncomfortable, but i didnt have to go to school, i distinctly remember sitting at the window watching azri go to school and i felt so lucky,

Sore throat: EVERYDAY, stupid inflammed tonsils.

Stitches: YES, damn, that is one thing i'll never forget.

Broken nose: Nope, but do you realise whenever you hit your nose really hard you'll start to sneeze.

-Do You-

Believe in love at first sight: Nope, that's attraction.

Like picnic?: YEAH.

-Who-

Did you last yell at?: Forgot, probably one of my siblings

Who was the last person you danced with?: I DONT WANNA TALK ABOUT THIS.

Who last made you smile?: HIjanah, stupid contact.

-Final Questions-

What are you listening to right now?: Hadi playing halo.

What did you do today?: School, Nashrahs results, Eat, Sleep, Played contact

Diamond or pearl?: POKEMOON DIAMOND

Are you the oldest?: NO, thank God.

Indoors or out doors?: Depends.

-Today did you-

Talk to someone you like?: Nope

Kiss anyone?: HAFIZ BABY :)

Sing?: Yes

Talk to an ex?: Cant

Miss someone?: Yeah, WHEN ARE YOU COMNG?

Ate ?: Yeah, too much

-Last person who-

You talked to on the phone?: Ramesh

Made you cry? : My exam papers

Went to the movies with?: HAHA, HIJANAH, AFRICAN CHILD.

You went to the mall with?: THE FAMILY, at downtown, i guess that's a mall

Who cheered you up?: Myself

-Have you-

Been to Mexico?: Yes, but im lying.

Been to USA?: Yes, but im also lying.

-Random-

Have a crush on someone?: HUUUUUUGH jackman :)

What books are you reading right now?: The Miracle Stealer, quite draggy ): BUT i wanna see how it goes :)

Best feeling in the world?: Happiness :)

Future kids names?: TEEHEE, i dont know.

Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?: Samanthas birthday penguin!

What’s under your bed? : MY UNUSED BAGS AND A SOFTBALL.

Favorite sport(s): To play: Softball, To watch: Soccer and Basketball (RECENTLY INTERESTED ME, THEY ARE SO GOOD AND ITS SUPER FAST AND EXCITING, just like what abang said, STEVE BLAKE IS FREAKING IMBA) and TREK events, AFRICANS OWN.

Favorite place?: WINDY PLACES (not with reference to WINDHIZIN, i just dont like to sweat.)

Who do you really hate?: People who start war, they suck, cant stand them.

Do you have a job?: NOPE.

What time is it now?: 2248

With however long it took you to complete this, post as my _ mins survey. & Tag 12 people.

SCRAP the last part.

2010-11-20T08:40:00.001-08:00

Life gets tiring when youre aimless, where the only thing you look forward to is the end of a seminar you may or may not pay attention to :)

2010-11-19T09:44:00.000-08:00

You know sometimes when you just read a book or watched a movie you fantasize about living like them, like there was a period of time after watching star trek (the zachary quinto one) i wanted to live on the enterprise and after watching australia i wanted to live in haha australia (THE OUTBACK, how COOL and RUGGED is that, actually rugged is more with reference to HUGH, BUT...)

ANYWAY, so i just read this book and i was like, DAMMNMNIT i wanna live there, which i know wont last very long, but still i hate this feeling now, knowing that my life can never be as interesting (not that i want to solve a murder mystery concerning a scary scary ex boxer), BUT their lives are so interesting and everyday i sit at home and stone and do nothing with my life (NOT THAT I WAT TO GO TO SCHOOL) damn, i wish i had a PDP. THIS SUCKHHHHS.

SO even though i cant live in australia or outer space, i have to make do with...singapore where the only thing people find amusing about us is the weird rules we have.

NO aim for this post actually, just thought that my blog was dying and so i try to give it some life with my recent DAMNIT feeling.

I SWEAR i have things to blog about to set things straight BUT my comp is gonne be sent for repair again so i have to use the ASUS (like now, but i hate typing in it, cause the keys are so small on my hands are so large) or the public desktop downstairs, NO WAY am i writing anything in there knowing my parents and siblings sneak up behind me ALL THE TIME.

haha, but thats normal.

BUT i cant sleep fantasizing about how much awesomer my life would be if i were more interesting, like an ex boxer or an ex con man, or even better an outback person (alongside a drover TEEHEE)

SO i decided to make a list about places i have dreamed about going to after reading books/watching movies/tvshows:

1) PRE-WAR Kabul (sounds like a super nice country type place with olive trees and i just have this impression that the place is just beautiful, got this from kiterunner)

2) ThE ENTERPRISE (CMOOON TELL mE ID DOESNT APPEAL TO YOU AT ALL, its so white and clean and exciting.

3) CENTRAL PERK (i dare you to admit you dont wanna be part of the FRIENDS gang.)

4) THE AVATAR place (this is just awesome,so MAGICAL --> hahaha this sounds soo gay)

5) IN THE MIDDLE OF SOLVING A CRIME WHERE I AM ALMOST MURDERED BUT FIGURED OUT EVERYTHING IN ThE END (maybe minus the almost being murdered, BUT nuff said.)

6) Finding a cure for MADCOWDISEASE and linking it to miners (MICHAEL PALMER BOOKS ARE SO RANDOMLY AWESOME and logical)

7) THE neighbourhood of Cristopher from the curious incident of the dog in the night time.

8) I WANT TO BE AT THE CONFERENCE ROOM WITH THE WITCHES from THE WITCHES by ROALD DAHL.

9) WILLY WONKA'S CHOCOLATE FACTORY with willy wonka and chocolate

theres more, trust me, i have a more active imagination than anyone can picture, i thnk ican finally sleep now :) NIGHT.

2010-11-08T08:24:00.000-08:00

Okay, just a short update:

For some reason im psyching myself out of the exam before taking it. I honestly want to get into the malay mood and i have one day to transit myself into that.

ANYWAY, good luck people! :D WHETHER it As or Os YOU CAN DO IT :D

2010-11-05T17:51:00.001-07:00

ANYWAY, thanks for the concern on my tagboard :)

Im not depressed on the way i look, its more of the feeling of braces which make my mouth sore and gross-feeling. Another one year, PLEASE just one year. Anyway, aside from that, life has been weird, i cant do anything without feeling guilty because im not studying malay.

BUUUT, just a short post before i go bathe:

Things i wanna do after malay olevels :)

1) READ.

2) Delete my facebook

3) Repair my laptop

4) DO SOMETHING WITH MY LIFE DAMMIT.

5) GO KL! ^.^

6) RUN, hopefully everyday :)

ASIDE from that, i would like to say, its hard to defend some people when they keep proving things right. HAIYO, IM NOT INVOLVED ANYMORE KAY!

2010-11-03T08:12:00.000-07:00

Hello world,

Please save me from this semi-depression i seem to be falling into because of my braces and higher malay. I DONT KNOW WHY it is so, but it just is.

BECAUSE it's a sad and lonely tale (LIKE DRAGONBALL TEEHEE) and im living on a HOTEL ON A HILL.

Whatever this thing is, God, please take my semi depression away, i want to be happy again :)

2010-11-01T07:51:00.000-07:00

Okay, why is it so hard for me to just START on malay, i hate myself i really do.

I'm a waiter (like wait-er not waiter as in serving people that kind) and its this flaw which I REALLY REALLY REALLY need to change. Okay, BASICALLY to sum it up:

i'm a fat lazy pig.

and i dont wanna be a fat lazy pig anymore.

OKAY, anyway another thing that has been bugging me is subject combination, these are my two narrowed down subject combinations:

P: I like physics, i suck at it, but it will hopefully turn around, but i really really really like it :D
C: Not saying i dont like, but i dont really like it either. and plus i failed damn bad for it, its just that everyones telling me you cant get anywhere without chem, but now im wondering, what if thats fine with me :)
M: I WILL NOT BE DISHEARTENED :) I like maths, i suck at it, but i like it.
G: I LOVE GEOG i swear, but it just scares me. A LOT, like, maybe my good results were out of luck.

P: LOOK ABOVE
E: Im starting to think this might be interesting, and it doesnt mean that if i pursue this i would confirm get an office job.
M: LOOK ABOVE
G: LOOK ABOVE

i think my parents are favouring the top one, which i dont mind, BUT FEEEEAR. and theres the less intimidating second one, which even though is a lot, seems to sum up my interest more.

But, what do i know, seriously?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH, this and malay and the fact that im a waiter (big fat lazy pig) put together does not make life easy.

plus other unresolved issues, which i dont wanna be a part of, and yet i am.

THE world can suck sometimes, but all you need is that one random person who smiles at you to make EVERYTHING feel better.

SO return the favour by smiling to another random stranger.

SO, THANK YOU LITTLE PERSON ON THE BUS, so innocent, so unfair. ):

2010-10-31T05:35:00.000-07:00

COMBI COMBI COMBI. DAMN YOU.

2010-10-25T07:45:00.000-07:00

OKAY, notice something different?

HAHA, some people were complaining about how visually not appealing my blog was, so i experimented with the new layouts, and i forgot to save so i had to change the top part, now im missing my tk photo which is in my laptop.

OKAY, that is besides the point, the point is i try to to make everybody happy and in the end no one is happy.

I NEED TO LIVE FOR MYSELF, and me needs sleep :D

2010-10-23T06:41:00.001-07:00

OKAY, this has been a super emotional week, and all the mood swings and stuff were all effects of PMS. EVERYONE has been there done that before, so if i did anything hurtful, im blaming it on that or the fact that you may have deserved it.

ANYWAY, a few things to update on :D

1) I thank God for all my overall results. Seriously, in the time of need, i prayed and even though it was bleak when i first received my exams, my coursework managed to pull me up :D so alhamdullilah for that, seriously. For now, it seems great. There may be changes, but whatever it is, im still very grateful :)

2) I realised a few things about people, i cant say it all now. Im not like psycho-analyzing them, but once in a while realizations come and hit you like a bus. JUST this wave of realizations about different people. Maybe its a sign of not being THAT naive anymore, but im holding on to innocent things for as long as i can because the world looks so much better through innocent eyes, trust me.

and the thing about people is that everyone is flawed and everyone has different tolerance levels and different people can tolerate different flaws. like some people cant stand the fact that when i blog i dont capitalize the start of sentences. AHEMAHEM.

so when you realise these flaws about the people close to you, it gets hard depending on your tolerance levels, and having low tolerance levels is a flaw. but theres nothing wrong with flaws. the world would be like that of the BRAVE NEW WORLD if it were so

haha, maybe im talking a bunch of crap, but ive been trying to organize my thoughts lately.

3) Im starting to wonder if theres a label in my head that says: I CAN TAKE VERBAL ABUSE. haha, while it may be true to a certain extent, there are limits. actually, it really depends on who you are. and thats my fault. HAHA, not. there are reasons.

4) I AM NOT EASILY INFLUENCED. by other people. im very easily influenced by myself, does that make sense, i know it does to me, but im quite sure it wont to you.

5) I want to do some volunteer work in the holidays, now that im not going sabah or india ): ANY SUGGESTIONS, im thinking of something that would take my mind of things. and this sounds mean, but i dont wanna go to the cliche old folks home ): i dont think i'll deal with people well there seeing that opah gets annoyed with me. HAHA, but we all still love her funny perspectives on life. she just cant accept me watching tv while eating :)

6) I WANNA SAY SO MANY THINGS and I JUST WANNA HAVE A GOOD RANTING SESSION BUT NOT WITH THE PEOPLE I USUALLY RANT TO CAUSE THEY SEEM TO NOT BE HAPPY WITH ME ): BUT, OH WELL :)

Theres nothing i can do, i should seriously stop trying to please other people, making myself unhappy.

---

NEXT part of the post:

CONFESSIONS:

1) I listen to vulgar songs (okay, only one, but thats cause its really a catchy song)

2) I tell people i dont like it when they curse out loud, but i curse in my head when im really really angry at someone.

3) I try not to hold grudges against some people, but sometimes i cant take it but right now i cant think of a specific grudge

4) Sometimes i get frustrated when people are angry at me without reason and im like 'WTH MAN.' its kinda stupid, but it happens a lot.

5) I have this longing to be REAAAAAALLY good at something :)

YEAH, so when i act irrationally this i where it might be coming from, im not a very rational person. DEEEAL WITH IT, hahaha.

2010-10-18T05:39:00.001-07:00

Everything looks nicer in a mac. ANYWAY,

just wanted to:

1) THANK PEOPLE for entertaining my SUDDEN breakdown. I honestly dont know what got into me, i know it wasnt that bad. it was just the last part of the day was like overwhelming because i depend on LA, as weird as it is cause its never that good.

2) TELL EVERYBODY that i am near depressed, seriously, seriously.

PRAYING for the best right now, i need to be able to do something i actually like, PLEASE.

ASIDE from that, a satisfying meal and a good long nap always helps!

2010-10-16T08:28:00.000-07:00

Azri has just (okay not just, actually quite long ago), brought up an interesting fact. HE ADMITTED THAT:

'Guys are shallow and would only go for pretty girls.'

FLABBERGASTED I AM. NAAAAH, im kidding, knew it all along. but azri though relatively far from being an alpha-male represents the general male population and i have discovered a few things =O

GUYS can be super-jerks PLEASE, not from personal experience, but from others' experience and azri being very frank with me.

GUYS ARE:

1) SHALLOW (and to prove that girls are not, why is there no one going after susan boyle and so many people going after jack black, who some people find gross)

2) JERKS (cat string theory proves all)

3) NOT AS SIMPLE MINDED AS THEY TRY TO BE/ WANT TO BE (CAT STRING THEORY)

4) THEY ARE NOT STRAIGHT UP

5) MOST ARE INSECURE (which i think leads to them acting like jerks)

AND im sure that this does not apply to most guys, but im starting to notice this about guys. HAH! I FREAKING CAUGHT YOU. no one in specific, but i think some guys subconciously use the cat string theory.

HOWEVER this is not applicable to HUGH in my brain and some other people.

AND im not saying girls are not flawed, we are. BUT people depend on us for procreation, so its kinda too bad.

MOST of the things im saying are unsupported, WHO CARES.

NO ONE READS THIS, i could talk about poop. WHICH is actually a good thing. CAUSE I WANNA SAY THAT, i love sports bras :D

RANDOM SHIT ISNT IT?

2010-10-13T07:20:00.000-07:00

Post exams, and there's this bitter sweet feeling. There's a lot of bitterness surprisingly. Trying to distract myself by spending time with other people, skating and things like that.

I wanna go to KL with BBBC and forget EVERYTHING, no joke.

SIMPLER TIMES. SIMPLER TIMES.

ARGHH, ill blog when im more mentally stable!

2010-10-07T05:12:00.000-07:00

I have the best parents in the world, and i dont wanna disappoint them.

But, there's nothing present me can do except excessively curse at the past me. I love them do much, i dont say it often but i do. I really don't wanna be the only disappointment to them.

God, at this juncture, I really need you. InsyAllah i'll be given the clarity of mind to do well tomorrow, theres nothing more I can ask for.

'Verily after every hardship comes relief.'

Have I gone through enough harship, God, help me.

2010-09-30T04:59:00.001-07:00

I think,

that there are some things i just love about this world :)

2010-09-29T09:14:00.000-07:00

Promos are next week, i keep going back and forth with my feelings about it.

TO BE HONEST, its something like this.

1) JUST HECK IT, DAMMIT, ITS MAKING MY LIFE MISERABLE
2) CMON, YOU GOTTA DO YOURSELF PROUD AND I KNOW YOU CAN DO THIS.

and then i stone. THERE's something awfully wrong with me.

BUUUUT, im so excited for the end, i dont know if i'll feel accomplished or the DAMN-I-SHOULD-HAVE-TRIED-HARDER feeling, which sucks so bad or just relief its over. but i wouldnt have much time to think about it BECAAAAUSE:

1) RIQAS COMING!
2) GOING OUT WITH CRISTAL AND HUILING (hopefully!)
3) AND TONS OF SKATNG! (MUST, PLEASE)

but i gotta focus on the NOW.

PLEASE RUZANNA.

OH YEAH, another feeling which comes is.

'20 YEARS FROM NOW WILL THIS AFFECT ME?'

but then i answer in my head with

'MAYBE NOT, but think about the awful feeling you get when you dont do well and everyone else does well and that awkwardness.'

its not about the later, its about the NOW.

2010-09-18T09:09:00.000-07:00

You know how i was going on and on about war yesterday that i forgot to tell you that i though pearl harbour was a good movie...SOOOOOOOOOOO i was thinking that im going to watch a few other war movies after promos, like with my tablet in the library or classroom or wherever. IM SO EXCITED.

SO THE MOVIES I WATCHED, AND RECOMMEND, and MIGHT WATCH AGAIN with the right company:

PEARL HARBOUR.

SAVING PRIVATE RYAN

MOVIES I WANNA WATCH AFTER PROMOS:

NUFF SAID

Pearl Harbour and Why I Can't Stand War

2010-09-17T09:12:00.000-07:00

This is going to be a long rant-ish post, so unless you want to see something like this, you should leave and study for promos.

Okay, basically I was watching Pearl Harbour and i was getting into the movie, it had a lighter feel as compared to saving private ryan (the first movie that made me cry so much...IN A BUS, while stupid riqa was watching john tucker must die laughing away)

ANYWAY, i was getting into the movie, and while i didnt like some parts [SPOILER] like when Rafe came back to life (even though i was slightly relieved), i thought overall it was really getting to me. THEN, we reached the climax. and everyone died just like that. when the japanese attacked, people just died.

It didn't matter if you were ten years old or if you were getting treatment in the hospital. And the air force didn't care if you just saw the love of your life after about a year of not seeing her just the day before. They don't care if you haven't finished living your amibition, they just shoot, shoot shoot and cheer if whoever they shoot died (okay, not exactly, but i had an impression that was what they did).

But im not being fair to the Japanese here if i say they were vicious monsters who shot without caring because the people on the planes were could also be fathers and brothers and husbands who sacrificed all for their country.

Because [SPOILER] at the end the Americans did cheer when they swore vengeance against the Japanese.

SO WHO'S THE BAD GUYS?

If everyone is losing why do they continue with this? I mean, seriously, the people planning the war and doing all the strategizing do they realise that they are KILLING INDIVIDUALS whether they are from the country or in the enemy country. THEY ARE KILLING BROTHERS, HUSBANDS, FATHERS, and i CANNOT understand why they are doing this.

I mean, historical background, yes. But i simply CANNOT accept that there is no other way to go about solving political bumps.

SORRY, but i still cant take the fact that everybody who dies has had a past. They have had a childhood and they could be living to old age, they could find love and live happily ever after (like Rafe ^.^), and even if they want to willingly die in the war, should they?

They enjoy what they do flying and risking their lives like ben affleck and josh harnett, and for their sake of their country and brotherhood they would do it.

BUT IS IT REALLY NEEDED?

Sure, it strengthens brotherhood [an aspect i really really love] but....ARGHHHHH...I DONT KNOW WHAT IM THINKING ANYMORE.

Lets look at the other aspects of the movie. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the brotherhood part of that. Rafe and DANNY. And even though [spoiler] DANNY dies, I was quite okay with it, cause i wanted Rafe to get the girl. and danny died honourably no doubt, like i was certain he wouldnt mind dying for Rafe. it was just AWWWWW how they sacrificed for each other in BIG BIG BIG ways and not let a GIRL get in the way of their brotherhood relationship htingy.

ive always loved watching all these brotherhood in war films, they always get to me. cause its more than just bromance like their bonding just jumps of the screen and the things they do for each other, while macho still really really sweet. SERIOUSLY. i think you can only build that kind of brotherhood going into war. SO TOO BAD.

it was like he brotherhood in saving private ryan, and the sacrifices.

and that's how heroes are born. they are put in difficult situations and if they act honourably, they'll be deemed heroes, but they would probably be dead, unless youre SUPER RAFE who could live through it.

ANOTHER thing, HEROISM, wars seem to produce the best heroes, so lets say, we live in my ideal world with no war, are we totally taking out heroes. are we not letting people shine?

WELL I SAY: LET THEM SHINE in SOME OTHER ASPECT rather than war. While war will glorify them more, id rather keep it death toll free and shine in sports or microbiology.

BUT THEN AGAIN, soldiers are hot.

TEEHEE. i dont have a coherent argument here, its just things i were thinking.

2010-09-15T07:43:00.000-07:00

I think im nocturnal, i cant sleep at night and thats when im the most productive. but there's something wrong with that. DAAAAAYYYUM.

On another note, LOVERBOY is such a nice song. MIKA ROCKS.

:)

You think you're in love boy,
But you don't even know what love is.

[Like what azri said, no one knows love is at this age, but theres the thrill that people seek in getting all irrational over one person]

2010-09-13T08:10:00.000-07:00

A post before retiring for the night :)

Anyway, Hari Raya has come, and it was definitely an enjoyable time for me. and that's saying a lot because dressing up and LEAVING my HUMBLE ABODE aka my haven, which is my house is not something that usually appeals to me, but obviously, with the right people, it's consperm FUN :)

On to the more reflective side of raya, i like our family and extended family because people can speak their mind about certain things. and this years deeper conversation would be:

1) Islamic culture in Singapore. We were critically examining like how it could be further strengthened to ensure that EVERYONE felt belonged and it made me realise something. Islamic culture would just be a culture. Sure it would be great and it might strengthen one's faith, but that's all there is to it. It's a culture and not the religion itself. Like it's between you and God, but it would be better knowing that there's a group of people behind you.

So basically we were discussing ways to strengthen the Islamic culture in Singapore. It went on for quite a while and made me evaluate some things in my life.

But thats mostly for me to know and never for you to find out.

ON ANOTHER NOTE:

This is the time of year where i would ask for forgiveness for all the things that i've done. Last year i reach 50, this year maybe its more, but im gonna write down the things that i really mean.

1) I'm sorry my ego is very sensitive. A signal that someone is going to harm it immediately triggers me snapping sometimes. If you have not noticed this, its probably this occurs to some people only, haha, its like their tone is asking for it. BUT, its still my fault for not controlling and being over-sensitive, i'm sorry.

2) Not picking up my phone. im sorry, i cant say i wouldnt do it again, because honestly speaking, i hate mobile phones, i belong to the stone age where people communicated by hitting each other. ask hadi, but im still sorry, and i really have been trying lately.

3) Sometimes i say things which are funny to me, but rather mean. IM REALLY SORRY FOR THIS.

4) Im sorry for the times ive exacerbated teasing by adding on to the SIALAH SIALAH SIALAH WOAH WOAH WOAH.

5) Im sorry i punch like a dude and it can probably numb your arm. ASK HADI. Sorry to hadi by the way.

and the list goes on, but im sleepy.

IN ESSENCE,

im not proud of the person i am today, honestly honestly speaking. so im sorry to you and myself for being this person. i wanna be better, someone show me how ):

Blue balloon, I hope you're happy in your new home,
He seemed happy, so I'm happy.

Sometimes, life just find new ways to make you happy.

2010-09-08T08:44:00.000-07:00

Last day of terawih, it's been an enlightening month in more ways than one :) Tomorrow is the last fasting day, I hope I make better use of it than today. I'm awful ):

So, God, give me strength to pull through this period of time, help me focus :D

Aside from that, i realise that sometimes i have to look at the big picture. More on that another time, burning midnight oil hopefully.

2010-09-07T12:18:00.000-07:00

sometimes, i realise i feel the emptiness, it's kind of weird. like i'm not feeling anything or not motivated to do anything else. just a vessel on an emotion-less mission.

OH WELL, at least this vessel is still on a mission: to get through promos.

Anyway, aside from that, there are so many things i wanna say, but not over here. I dont feel like sugar-coating my life but i was bored ):

ON AN UPSIDE: GATHERING ON FRIDAY, just like every year, the ONE thing i can count on.

2010-09-01T05:03:00.000-07:00

Hitch-hike, take a long ride on my motorbike.

Anyway, that songs is stuck in my head. Remind me to tell you all something really special. Some people are just amazing.

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending,
No hope no love no glory,
No happy ending.

This is the song that is also stuck in my head and applicable to daily life :)

2010-08-30T12:22:00.000-07:00

Vohdekay, vohdekay, organising my thoughts.

1) I just finished SS ESSAY, and it's not because i put it off to the last minute OKAY, i kept not getting satisfied with what i wrote (but tonight, no choice i had to just finish it). NOT SATISFIED but OH WELL.

2) I picked the third question. I think some people are messed up. The world seems to be messed up after researching for my third question. it was interesting though. doing research on people like Geert Wilders. that is one messed up dude. to openly declare anti-islam, when based on what he says, shows a weak understanding of islam as a whole ): sad part is, a majority of people in netherlands support this movement.

3) Don't worry about my body clock, it's already screwed. but i realise i accomplish more at night :)

4) I'm going to sleep tmrw.

5) THANKS RIQA, i needed to remininsce tonight, exactly what i needed :) HAHA, i haven't uploaded webcam pictures.

6) sometimes, im really messed up. my priorities are all wrong and it's just because of one passing thing ): TELLING MYSELF TO MOVE ON IN LIFE. MOVE ON. MOVE ON. MOVE ON. it's not working, i tell myself this all the time, but the next day, it wears off. there's something wrong with me. HELP.

7) Im still listening to MIKA :D

2010-08-29T07:45:00.000-07:00

I feel guilty for what i posted last night, thinking im not good enough, when i have a lot to be grateful for. and i thank this man :D

2010-08-28T10:15:00.000-07:00

scrap that post. i read my 'farewell' letters. and i trust them, just as much as i trust the people who say mean things to me.

'You are the kind of friend everyone would like to have around. No matter how much i criticize your big butt.'

'And you always make everyone laugh, even when there's an awkward silence.'

And the letters go on, and i miss them.

The perks about having friends like these, is that their presence is so prominent that even from a letter, their words bounce off the page. If they were here, i would hug them for helping me get through tonight.

I miss the team, maybe that's why i miss softball.

Knowing that some people don't think i'm useless, just rocks. Straight up, i love you guys and i miss you all :D

Condescendence.

2010-08-28T09:39:00.000-07:00

Cause everyone's looking down on me.

I cannot go against strong-headed people cause i trust them more than myself.
I cannot be labelled smart because there a billion people smarter than me. And out of the billion a few of them live under the same roof as me.
I cannot not be considered ugly because everyone in my house never fails to acknowledge it. Whether it is to say my siblings are better looking than me. Or if it is to say 'DONT EAT, OR YOU'LL GROW FATTER.'
I cannot be hardworking because no one sees me trying my best to study in school or battling sleepiness because of my weird sleep patterns. And because people around me are ten times more hardworking.
I cannot be called funny, because, i'm not.
I cannot be known as athletic cause i'm don't play a sport anymore.
I cannot be special because nothing I do is good enough to stand out.

So i apologize for my every flaw. I apologize for getting defensive because when people say hurtful things, it's like you're reassuring me that there is this non-existent potential for talent, it will never happen.

So when you're condescending, you're rightfully condescending in this case, cause i deserve it. I deserve it, and i accept it.

So forgive my defensiveness, if i work on it, it will disappear and people can say as many truths as they want. And soon, you all can be satisfied.

Because behind teasing and joking there's a bit of truth in it. And especially when these comments come from people i trust. and it comes in this never ending cycle of hurtful words masked by jest and laughter to make me not take it seriously.

but as much as i cover my acceptance for it, you should know that i take what you say seriously, so don;t worry, this void which apparently is empty from feelings, is actually there, full of feeling masked by a smile, so if you intended to make me feel sad underneath, don't worry, despite a smile i put on, your comment probably got to me, whoever you are.

I'm very sure it did. Message sent loud and clear.

2010-08-26T09:59:00.000-07:00

People have to learn to let go. some things mean more to others than to me. but i know the feeling of not wanting to let go even though it's for the best, because you've been holding on to it for so long and you've put in so much effort that it hurts to just forget about it.

But letting go is healthy, we have to learn to let go to survive :D it was nobody's fault.

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending,
No hope, no love, no glory,
No happy ending.

Hey you, what's a good girl like you,
Doing in this crazy world,
My good gone girl.

You think you're in love boy,
But you don't even know what love is.

Why don;t you like me,
Why don't you like me without making me try.

Diet coke and a pizza please,
Diet coke i'm on my knees.
Screaming, BIG GIRL, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.

Mika songs rock, i realized it's like sugar coated true feelings sung in a very preppy way that just make me smile. and sometimes you cant help but relate to these feelings. so up there are relatable lyrics for various stories and situations i've heard or been in. there's something about these songs, gives me the same feeling as queen songs. PLEASE DONT HATE ON ME QUEEN FANS, it's the truth :D

Just Because I'm Losing, Doesn't Mean I'm Lost

2010-08-25T14:54:00.000-07:00

Last night: TOLD myself, actually no, DEMANDED myself not to cry. But seeing everybody in my group who really put in effort like no one has seen before, and seeing them DISAPPOINTED was just sad. LIKE they don't deserve this, and then I started to think that it may have been my fault ): but, i guess, it was really just the storyline, the underlying problem from the start (IF YOU PEOPLE INSIST)

Anyway, I thought theatrically we did a good job :) CONGRATS TO THE GROUPS WHO GOT IN, your plays were really interesting :D

Today: Forgot about what happened last night till a few minutes after i woke up. The feeling of it sinking it was suckish, BUT OH WELL, that's life.

ANYWAY on a last note, some people really don't see how much i love them :D BUT THEY SHOULD KNOW THEY BRIGHTEN UP MY DAY, it made a 180 degree turn when i saw them :D you guys probably won't read this, but thanks.

and i realised i haven't done a birthday post for haziyah hanisah and azri!

2010-08-22T06:19:00.001-07:00

It's all about the small things in life.

It's about the people who love you, it's about those who care, it's about those who see the good in you even if you cant see it in yourself.

That's why it doesn't hurt me when people imply that there are prettier, slimmer and smarter people, cause that's always going to be the case. It doesn't hurt me that people discriminate me because i am not any of the above (AHEMphotocopydiscountAHEM).

And what makes up for everything is knowing there's people out there who don't see that and are just nice to you because you're you.

But when all the bad things in life outweight the good things, that's when you start to panic. When there's nothing to look forward to and when something you love just disappears.

Then in this case, walk back to God, cause he will come running.

Also, can i tell you how insecure i feel right now about this one prominent thing in my life. I wanna just move on, but i cant -.- I really wish i could talk to an unbiased person about this, but as of now, God will be the only witness to these ill-feelings. and myabe i could keep it that way. yeah, that would be ideal.

Sabah or India?

2010-08-17T15:14:00.000-07:00

I love it that TJ gives us so many oppurtunities, but not when i have to make a decision.

Now here's what i think:

India: If it were anything like Brunei, it would just be this super high trip with a project at the end (FUN NONETHELESS) IF it were anything like brunei. AND also, it would be with most of the TA cohort so that is like guranteed fun.

Sabah: It would be this physical and emotional turmoil that would give me a sense of satisfaction at the end of the course. And, you'll get quite bonded to the people there, i think. I MEAN 10 DAYS! But i dont think a lot of the TA people are going. Also, this seems to be cheaper.

Somebody help me make a decision.

AND AND AND, i know i'm going to spend at LEAST a week in KL :) IM SELF INVITING BUT HECK, i miss the crap out of KL and sharing one toilet among 6 people and VICTORIA station and cute babies (: AND OBVIOUSLY...

OKAY YOU KNOW WHAT, if i cant make a decision, i'll make my own OBS trip to KL TEEHEE. EH GHANY, COME ONLINE AND HELP ME MAKE A DECISION.

Aimless

2010-08-16T06:54:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, i'm shocked at what a horrible person i am.

I wrote out this post, about people who think they're better, and i kept insisting the post was so that certain people who felt guilty of it would realise they should change. BUT, i have a feeling part of me wanted to do it so that these people would feel hurt, cause i think they kinda hurt somebody im quite close too.

But, then i realised, who am i to say this. by saying this i would be a hypocrite, because i would think im better.

So yeah, i'm a horrible person but on my way to being better, i decided to not post that :)

So to keep it clean and help my friend, please please please don't say hurtful things and keep the line between constructive criticism and bitchy comments clear :) (i know i used the B word, but there's no other word!!!)

AND, thanks for people who constantly make me happy, i bet you have no idea.

Ramadhan

2010-08-10T20:57:00.000-07:00

It's ramadhan now, nice to see how so far every muslim i know looks forward to this month. and yesterday the mosque was packed :)

its halfway through the first day and i'm feeling great, i hope i can keep this up the rest of the day :)

ANYWAY, just wishing everyone a great fasting month. May your Ramadhan be a blessed and fruitul one!

Flawless

2010-08-03T09:02:00.000-07:00

Anyway, there's a really scientific take to inception, i feel, after the dream i had last night. okay, not really scientific, more of stating observations that i think everyone feels, so when you hear it you go all 'OH YEAH'

Like what he said about not remembering how you get to a certain place. Or something like that, and how you can experience days within only hours of sleep. we've been feeling it all our lives, everyone has dreams like this, but, yesterday's dream was one of a kind, i swear.

it was the perfect moment, sad it was in a dream, but it was kinda cool.

Okay, based on my memory, it started when we (me, hanis, ziyah, hijanah, azri, im not sure if nadh and the rest were there) were walking towards this beach. and it was really clean at first, then we saw people throwing things into the sea, and soon they just disappeared.

Then from the distant, a unicorn walks up towards me, and for some reason azri gives me this really weird smile. And i held my hand out for the unicorn, and it brushed it's muzzle against my hand, and i swear, i felt the warmth (like how in dreams we can feel pain, like what the person in inception said). OKAY, this must sound WEIRD to a LOT of people. BUT i swear it was a unicorn. It was white (how cliche) and it had a horn on it's forhead. I KNOW ITS SHIT AND RANDOM, but its true. I SWEAR IT IS. it was this distinct part of the dream which i cannot forget.

and everything was just peaceful. slowly, other family members started coming. we were on this grassland perched above a beach. WOW, it was a sight to see, and ive never felt so calm in my life.

but soon we realised we wanted to go home for some reason, which i forgot. so one of us recalled that the people who threw things into the ocean went home by throwing things into the ocean. and i turned to my right and saw this pile of trash suddenly. so we all helped throw the things in the ocean. it got washed into the sea, and we still weren't home.

so someone suggested we enjoy this sight. and we did. AND another distinct part of the dream was everyone deciding to relax. and i went to the ocean which was really really clear, and put my feet in. my dad was beside me. so i turned to him and asked him:

'Is the water in Maldives this clear?'

because i was amazed at the fact that i could see my feet really really clearly. i couldnt remember my dad's answer, but i remembered him laughing.

so it was peaceful for a while. it seemed like days passed lazing in the sun, having fun in this desert island, which was beautiful. SERIOUSLY, beautiful.

and that was just a perfect moment. my family and cousins on the most beautiful beach ever.

but for some reason, i started to feel uneasy. and i really wanted to get out of there, maybe it was the days soent doing nothing, i dont know.

ANYWAY, i dont know what happened after that but i think i woke up.

So this could be one of the most idyllic and serene dreams ever, beaches and unicorns :)

And i realised whatever is controlling my dreams, (this includes the possibly of people trying to incept and plant an idea) happens to know what calms my senses.

i have been having recurring dreams like this. this includes the dream i had about the free falling with people onto a clear grassland and the dream about the house on the hill.

there are just some things which makes you feel so calm and if only i could bring this back to the normal world.

But currently as far as explanations for dreams go, there's only one. God. He controls your dreams. Man has yet to find a scientific reason why dreaming occurs, but thats because there's none. I think, it's just the power of God. So i thank him, for blessing me with good dreams.

2010-08-01T15:03:00.000-07:00

I think today is going to be a good day. Actually, my instincts tell me otherwise, but I tell myself other-otherwise.

Anyway, the days have been getting longer, and i have been slacking my butt off. Come ramadhan, someone would take away my facebook, so it's my last slack week hopefully. Because taking away my facebook is taking away scrabble ):

ANYHOO, love is in the air for many people (AHEMAHEMAHEMcoughingfitAHEMAHEMAHEM) HAHA, like how i realise how much i love training and titans and fabregas and hugh jackman. AND for other people it's the start of new beginnings (AHEMcoughingfitAHEM). Don't get hurt, PLEASE. PLEASE PLEASE.

HAHA, guys can be so mean sometimes though, that's why i pick hugh jackman. CAUSE i know he's not mean :)

Being Better

2010-07-27T20:31:00.000-07:00

I want to be better. But do you know what's stopping me. It's knowing that i'm still not fulfilling my own criteria of what it is to be at my best. And for some reason, these are my criteria:

1) To have a solid understanding of everything i'm doing
2) To have a concrete PDP preferably one with regular trainings and something that satisfies my need to FEEL fit.
3) To feel that i'm a good Muslim (my own feeling, but technically, i wouldnt know)

For some weird reason i set this criteria for myself, and everyday i wake up knowing that i dont fulfill all of them. Sometimes, i dont feel any of them and this has been an increasing trend lately.

I know for a fact that i've reached this phase before. and that was during late sec 1 and most of sec 2. BUT what has happened? I'm not going to blame TA because some people are fulfilling this criteria, but what has happened to me that I can't.

Is it the rough start i had, that made me totally not function at all during the start, and i'm just a complete mess.

ARGH, because I have a feeling the inadeqeucy im experiencing is mostly because of my non-fulfilment in criterion number 2.

But what can i do now. IF NOTHING appeals to me, should i join JUST because i wanna fill my criteria. I have a feeling so.

):

Can someone start softball in TJ, i promise i'll train harder, LIKE WAAAAY harder, so that i dont suck as bad.

Because, i miss it. I MISS EVERYTHING ABOUT IT. seeing everybody else so bonded with their teammates and to love going for training, IT MAKES ME SO SAD that i USED to have this. and i miss it like crazy. LIKE SERIOUSLY.

I miss throwing and wanting to improve. Like being motivated to do better in something, because right now, i'm just cruising.

AND I HAVE TO STOP NOW.